Mattie take a deep breath and relax. your a mother of a beautiful baby God doesn't want you to do it all by yourself. if theres something u need and u can't get it a simple call to one of youe friends could do the trick, then maybe you can get that me time that your craving for.

I think the key thing to remember, which is so easy to lose sight of is that.... this is not forever. There will come a time of greater independence. I have a 6 and 8 year old and I am 39. I remember what those days were like, thankful to just be clean or have an adult lunch with someone. I am so glad though that you recognize the importance of having time for yourself, because although it will get easier, it will still be an effort for you to carve that out for yourself. Is there family in the area who would like to spend time with your baby? Perhaps you can find a local baby-sitter certification program and find a sitter you like and trust? Don't think your husband will begrudge spending the money, he won't, he wants you to be happy. Believe me, no matter what anyone says, it is easier to go to work everyday than it is to be a stay at home mom so lean on your husband!

I LOVE your 'mother's heart'! When I had young children I attended a mother's group that was a lifeline for me called MOPS.....Mothers Of Pre-Schoolers. Hosted usually in a church or community center by veteran mothers, it provided me with mentors, an outlet, friends for myself & my children. You can check it out at www.mops.org . It saved me in a number of ways when Iwas a young mother.

For Maddie in Atlanta featured on the last page of your Real Life, searching for advice on asking for help Girlfriend, let go ASK FOR HELP There is bravery in knowing your limits. Babies dont come with instructions and neither does life. Know what you know and recognize what you dont. People are always happy to give advice , look it at like a bunch of grapes pick the ripe ones that seem good to you, toss the others. Instinct, girlfriend, instinct

I am not sure if someone already said this but my first thought (and don't take this the wrong way) is swollow your pride. If getting help is better for your baby than do it. I had learn that when I started having kids. I slowing changed my way of thinking that whatever is best for the baby is what should be done. If you think about it it will probably be better for your husband as well.

Mattie, Your issue spoke to me. I too felt exactly that way when my son was born. He's 4 now, and sometimes I still feel like I should be able to do it all! What I've learned is that you need to be open to others help- your husband likely is as inexperienced as you are- so allow him time to care for the baby as well. Also, you can't function at 100% if you're exhausted so PLEASE use baby's sleep time as sleep time for you as well- I made the mistake of trying to cram in houswork or whatever I felt I was neglecting-bad idea! You have gone through a great deal of physical as well as emotional and hormonal changes when you have a baby- and you may not be the person you were pre-baby. Give yourself a break and learn about your new self. Raising kids is tough, but it does give your life a sense of purpose you never experienced before- good luck and stay sane!

Make that three MONTH old... see, my poor brain...

This was a really great article (and posting board) for me, as the first time mom of a three year old. I have an amazing husband, who wants to help, but I don't want to be a burden, or a failure... where does that come from??!! I've been learning, but it is really affirming to read that there are SO many of us struggling with exactly the same feelings. Thanks!

I think it's a compliment to reach out to others. It says, " I trust you enough to ask for your help." By reaching out you are using resources that are available to you and it takes a village.
Reach out so you're able to reach in!

We are women, that's for sure! I'm a divorced mother with three daughters, six pets, my own company and involved with many extracurriculars in the community. The caring, nurturing part of us as women I think make us sometimes feel inadequate or as if we are not doing enough, even if we are taking on the world. Delegating is very hard for many women I know, rather be full-time inside the home or full-time outside the home. Learn to do it! Start with small items for someone to help with and explain the task well with a big "thank you", then, you will have less pressure on you and begin to feel better as your new, most important role, as "mother". They really do grow up too fast!!!

After my son was born I started "The Strathmore Margarita Moms". It is a gathering of Moms who leave the kids with their husband/partner one evening a month. We then share stories. laughs, tears, advice and of course -- MARGARITAS! If you want, I did an interview with our local news station and typed up "How to Get a Margarita Group Started on Your Neighborhood". If you would like me to pass it along, feel free to email me at: natemia408@yahoo.com. Good luck!

-Stacy

Don't be so hard on yourself. There are no "supermoms" out there and if you think you know one she is probably a great actress that's trying to up you. It's okay to ask for a break. I was fortunate to have family to support me when I needed to walk or rest. My dad, believe it or not, has turned out to be the biggest saint of them all. After the birth of my second, he would pick up my older son and take him out for the afternoon. It gave me time to rest and readjust after giving birth again. You've heard it before- If mama ain't happy, ain't NO ONE happy!

Hi Mattie-
I completely understand and went through the same thing myself. I live in Atlanta as well and what helped me was a group of women in my neighborhood (but there are clubs throughout Atlanta) called M.O.M.S. Mothers Offering Mothers support. www.momsclub.org It is a great place to meet new friends that have children the same age as yours and are going through the same stages. I loved talking about what I was going through and others agreeing and offering me their stories as well. Plus, as the kids get older together you will have life long friends. My Mom's group has a monthly "Mom's Night Out" which I make a point to attend. It is always nice to get away from it all and be the composed "Super Woman" you used to be (and still are underneath!) Best wishes and you are already a great mom for understanding your limitations!

I had trouble asking for help for two reasons - fear of criticism and fear of disappointment. My mother had already passed away and my mother-in-law was a book of "you shoulds." If I ask and some one turns me down then what? I started by asking for help from those I felt safest with - my husband and by children's Godmother. It really helped to find other people who supported my journey without making it there own.

Surround yourself with real women who talk about how difficult it is to stay home and successfully avoid mommy mush-head. If you find yourself having tea with a friend who has just repainted her living room yet looks like a really hip model from the Anthopologie catalog; who has made a castle birthday cake for her third child and balanced the books for her husband's business - you may want to limit your exposure to this powerhouse of energy. She may be a great friend, but you need to check in women like me who, at 43 with two young children, happily admit I can't do it all. Here's what has helped make me happy. I make a list of things that need to be done - a small important list. Everyday I make a goal of accomplishing two of them. After I do that, I congratulate my self in some small way - a cup of tea, a long distance phone call to a friend, buying a new flavored lip gloss while on a diaper run. You need to honor the energy level you were born with and not set yourself up by comparisons. You will find, hopefully soon, that your pace has its' own rewards! You will most likely grow up to be the Kool Aid mom, because your house will be relaxed and lived in. You won't be following the kids around with a dustbuster to retain perfection.

Mattie - I am so proud of you! I remember you as the enthusiastic college student who knew everyone and loved being involved in everything, even when you had mono! Whether you get everything done when you want to have it done doesn't mean that you are not super-mom. You are! I hope you can figure out how to have your much needed "me time." You deserve it. I just know you are a WONDERFUL mother! As your former "big-sis", I wish I could help you!

Nobody does it all! And we can't compare ourselves to each other anyway. We're all given different gifts and challenges.

As a mother of a 16 month old, I've had many of these same feelings. One of the best things that I can tell you is that people actually want to help. But you just have to give them the chance. Think about the joy you are "taking away" by not giving them the opportunity!

I loved reading your "real life" column this month. Thanks for sharing. Your not alone!

Having raised three children I remember wanting "me" moments. My advice is to take them. When the baby naps, you nap. Leave what can be done by others (dishes, dusting, folding clothes) and read a book, watch a Masterpiece theater program. You can nurse the baby and watch a Netflix, listen to your iPod, sit outside in the sun. The key is not to feel guilty when you do take time for yourself. Everyone around you will do better when you are doing better when you take time for yourself. Take doesn't mean stealing--everyone deserves down time. Be good to yourself, and forget the guilt.

Please ask someone for help!!! If you don't, you'll go crazy. Babies don't come with instructions and nobody automatically knows how to "do" it (being a mother that is). And to all of those mothers who put up a front like they have everything in control, they're just faking it; trust me. I'm an attorney and there is no law that says you have to love it; motherhood will grow on you and you don't have to be ashamed if you don't know all of the answers; nobody does.
As for time to yourself, close and lock the bathroom door, put on your favorite song, light some candles, and soak in the tub or take a long, hot shower. I don't care who knocks on the door, if they're not bleeding, ignore them!
Peace and Blessings,
Machelle***

Hi Mattie,
I'm a new stay-at-home mom too and I have struggled with this issue a bit. I usually take "me time" during my seven-month-old's nap. I shower, watch "Ellen" and eat lunch. But one thing that really helps is carving out some me time during the weekends. This is hard to do because I want to be at home with my husband when he's home, but I've found it's really important to get out and do something fun with a girlfriend or just by myself (and it's not such a bad thing to let my husband and baby have some Daddy time either!). Having a couple hours to myself on the weekends leaves me more refreshed for the week ahead! Good luck!

In marriage counselling before my husband and I got married, the pastor looked at me and said "it doesn't make things less romantic if you ask for it." I remind myself of that all the time ... my husband can't read my mind, so whether it's asking for help, a hug, a date night, or what, it doesn't negate his sweet action if I've had to ask him for it.

you should make your needs known, don't think that your husband or anyone else, can read your mind. start with simple request and never add ugly comment. just say thank you and go take care of your self and say i love you.

p.s. Sorry about the spelling, one of the three was in my lap helping me type!

For me it is all about redefinition. FOr me finding me time means listening to my I pod (full of songs that make me feel young) while I do dishes or vacume. It energizes me and scince I do both things daily I get this kind of me time a lot more often than the spa! Try redefining your idea of handleing it all. Remember that truely being capeable and dynamic means being able to delagate. Lookking to others for help makes you a better, more cappable, happier mom! That truely is th definition of having it all under control! I wish I could have realized this before my third child! Good Luck!

I had always felt the same way too. As a very busy mother of a 9 month old beautiful girl, as well as a retail shop owner, I had my hands more than full, yet felt inadequate as well when I had to ask for help. One good piece of advice my mom told me was.." That's what family is for! You yourself need to refeul in order to be an optimum mother." Think about how much more intuned to your child you will be when you can concentrate. I now ask for assistance and I am much happier (and more rested) now. Plus, it comes easier to ask again when you've given it a shot at least once.

I had always felt the same way too. As a very busy mother of a 9 month old beautiful girl, as well as a retail shop owner, I had my hands more than full, yet felt inadequate as well when I had to ask for help. One good piece of advice my mom told me was.." That's what family is for! You yourself need to refeul in order to be an optimum mother." Think about how much more intuned to your child you will be when you can concentrate. I now ask for assistance and I am much happier (and more rested) now. Plus, it comes easier to ask again when you've given it a shot at least once.

I just had to comment when i read about "what scares you" i too have a horrible fear of ketchup!!! i thought i was the only one. i can't even stand to buy it at the grocery store, much less serve it to my 2 boys, which by the way was all my husbands doing, if i had it my way they wouldn't even know what ketchup is. But thanks to him ( and probally for some humor in our family ) my husband started both of them on the disqusting mixture early on. Now i am stuck in a living nightmare of serving it up lunch and dinner and just to freak you out they both have dipped food that is not appropiate "ketchup dipping food" ie - watermelon, bannans, and apples - HELP! i will say my "phobia" has gotten a bit better in the last 6 years but it has been a journey. We need a support group!

Mattie - Welcome to the ambiguous world of parenting. They don't come with instructions and for the most part you don't know what kind of job you've done until they move out!
if you can consider how honored you would be to help your child with your grandchildren or your sister/brother with your beloved nephews/neices it makes it easier to ask for help.
As you care for yourself to keep your mind, spirit, and body centered you'll be better able to care for your child. Children learn what they live!
Children are so much smarted than we give them credit for and very intuitive. If you are exhausted and emotionally spent, your child will intuitively recognize that you are not all there.
Each day do something for yourself - meditate, pray, take a bubble bath, or go for a run. Schedule time ahead with your support team (parents, friends, babysitters) to make this an easy and predictable routine for your child.
Finally, i would encourage you to schedule dates with your husband - at some point, if all things work out - it will be just you two again! None of us have done it alone - you don't have to either!
Amy, grateful mother of daughters 19, 16 and 8 years old

Mattie - Welcome to the ambiguous world of parenting. They don't come with instructions and for the most part you don't know what kind of job you've done until they move out!
if you can consider how honored you would be to help your child with your grandchildren or your sister/brother with your beloved nephews/neices it makes it easier to ask for help.
As you care for yourself to keep your mind, spirit, and body centered you'll be better able to care for your child. Children learn what they live!
Children are so much smarted than we give them credit for and very intuitive. If you are exhausted and emotionally spent, your child will intuitively recognize that you are not all there.
Each day do something for yourself - meditate, pray, take a bubble bath, or go for a run. Schedule time ahead with your support team (parents, friends, babysitters) to make this an easy and predictable routine for your child.
Finally, i would encourage you to schedule dates with your husband - at some point, if all things work out - it will be just you two again! None of us have done it alone - you don't have to either!
Amy, grateful mother of daughters 19, 16 and 8 years old

You are not alone. Asking for help is the hardest thing a new mother has to learn. Part of that problem is that there is so much unwanted help and advice tossed your way. What I found helpful was to decide for myself what things I did not want help with and what things I didn't mind delegating. That way, all of the helpful people in my life had some involvement and I was still "doing it all". My problem was that I am a control freak to my core. In deciding some things were mine and mine alone when it came to my son and some things I would accept help with, I was still in control, my relatives had some involvement and most of all my son was on the receiving end of it all. I now have a very happy healthy 7 year old who has taught me that there is actually very little that I can control!

Mattie,

I know you are doing an amazing job! Remember that people get JOY from helping you and that your world is filled with people who love to see you fulfilled.

I also thought I was Wonder Woman when my first was born. As I had more, I realized that I am far from it. I started by talking to my friends that had kids. We set up an agreement that if someone offered help, you couldn't say no. Soon it became somewhat of a co-op thing.
It wasn't until I started resenting my husband and child that I realized I wasn't a superhero. I was normal, and the more I talked with other women I met, the more normal I felt. I still have a hard time asking for help, but my friends and husband know that now. I am not allowed to say to no to their "help" offers, if I do...they push even more.
When it came to time for myself, I turned the ringer off at naptimes and in the evenings. It really just comes down to being open and communicate your needs to your friends and partner. I still have the Wonder Woman doll that my husband gave me, even though I may not feel like it, I can look at her every day and remind myself that I am human too!

If you find it difficult to ask for help - start with the little things. Ask a friend to run an errand if she's going that way, or if she's going to the market pick up something small for you. Never be afraid, people want to help more than you know.

If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy ;-)
Words to live by..
Girls night out is a must for my soul lately.
(mom of 4 ~ ages 5,3,22 months and 4 months)

Oh Mattie! Go to your local bookstore and check out the parenting section...look at all of those hundreds of books. No one - no one knows it all and no one expects you to either! Like Suzanne says, use this as a way to get closer to your girlfriends, sisters, your mom, heck, extra brownie points for checking with your mother-in-law! Don't be afraid. Some of the advice can be far out, so keep your funny bone handy too!

Asking for help is a surefire way to bond with your girlfriends. I get so much help by just talking to them. Setting up a network of trusted friends (or even with just one friend) makes your life so much more fun and easy. And it's reciprocal. Even if it's a person whom you can call on the phone and get support from you're opening up a channel that ends up helping them too.
In addition to the value of friends I can't tell you how much peace of mind I got from hiring a housecleaner every other week. Period. It gave me time to enjoy my babies because, after all, you CAN do it all yourself, but it's funner to get the help. Life is so very short, why not enjoy it!

Think of being a mom like riding on a commercial airline flight. The flight attendant instructs passengers that are travelling with children to position oxygen masks on themselves (the parent )FRIST and then attend to the child.
As a mom, you must see to your needs so that you can better support your child(ren) and family.
The result is a happy family. When you feel well cared for, you are able to care for your family in the best manner possible. Your famiy inherits your feeling of well-being.
If taking care of yourself means asking for help, then go for it and don't give it a second thought.
If you were on an airplane and needed help, folks would be willing to assist.

I struggle with the same thing and as a new mother of twins what I had to learn was when someone offered to help to take them up on it. Many of my neighbors, friends, and family have offered to watch the babies so that I can shower, grocery shop, or go on a date with my husband. At first I didn't want to take them up on it because I didn't want people to think I couldn't handle it but after my mom left and their dad went back to work I realized the importance of taking people up on their offers. It isn't a reflection on me as a mother and it helps my support network to feel involved and connected to the babies.

Hi Mattie-

I really relate with your situation. While I was pregnant, a friend of mine shared her frustration with her husband who never helps. She said that she knew why. Since she had her first baby, she had tried to do everything. She was such a perfectionist that even if he tried to help she would criticize it. So eventually he just stopped offering to help. She was left feeling overwhelmed and exasperated. She told me to be careful not to do this. I took her advice, and have a great involved husband who is an amazing Daddy. I still have a lot of problems trying to do too much, and I must admit it is the source behind any argument my husband and I may have. I am not a very good delegator, and perhaps my friend shared her story because I have a tendency to be a perfectionist, too. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Your family will benefit from it as much as you. Start with small things. Let him help you with the baby, housework, whatever you need. Remember if Mom is happy, everyone is happy.

What I have learned is that motherhood is such a wonderful journey. My house is not as clean as I would like it to be. EVER. But I do play a lot of blocks, coloring, play-doh, you name it! I try to take time each day to play with my son.

Make sure to take time for yourself, even if it is short time. Escape on the weekends for a few hours to browse through the mall or get a pedicure. It will really help you, and give your husband some time with your little one. Remember that there is no super Mom. I guess I've realized that I am a real person, and I'm finally learning to say no when I feel overwhelmed. You will find that it gets easier as the kids get older. I have a lot more personal time now than in the beginning, and my son is not yet 3.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Mattie-
As an independent person myself, I also struggled with having to ask for help when my daughter was born. Even moreso because her father opted out of family life early on.

I view asking and getting help in two ways - delegating and bartering. A good manager (whether it be at home or at the office) knows when to hand off some of the work and when to trade jobs (you do this for me and I'll do that for you).

I learned too late that the time you don't take for yourself is time forever lost. Don't feel bad for taking that time. Believe me, it will come back ten-fold to you AND your family.

As we are instructed to give ourselves the oxygen before we administer it to others on the plane, we fail to
realize, a little 15 minute break will give needed energy to be back on the job. Taking care of children is non-stop and if we were at a job outside the mom job, we would give ourself that "break" -
Ask a friend and clock yourself to make sure you are in fact doing this for your sanity. Everyone will thank you. You will be a better Mom for it! Do it early as it is an important habit to start early- like brushing your teeth!

The first thing I would tell you is this: Real mothers DON'T do it all and smart ones don't even try. A good mother is not the one who does everything--she's the one who does the RIGHT things. She wakes up early to help her kids get dressed and ready for school; she greets her kids with a cheerful smile and and asks about their day when she picks them up from school; she learns the words to her daughter's favorite school song and sings with her on the way to school; she listens to her teenage son when he talks and leaves him alone when he doesn't want to; she doesn't apologize when her daughter gets angry after being punished for misusing her cell phone; she monitors her son's email account and online activity to make sure he's safe; she makes time to get to know her children's friends and their parents; and most of all, she treats her kids like humans and people who deserve her love, attention and respect.

Don't try to do everything. Identify those things that are important to you and concentrate on getting those things done. For instance, It's important to me that my house be clean and tidy; I didn't want the kids growing up with bad housekeeping habits. To do this, I had to scale way back on our belongings. It was a great decision. The house functions 10x better and is much easier for all of us to keep clean.

You can't do everything and you will set yourself up for a nervous breakdown if you try. Keep it simple: Decide what's most important and do that. Is it a clean house? Is it cooking dinner for your husband and child every night? Is it packing lunches each morning for your kids and walking them to the bus? Make a list of those things and then put it into your schedule. When you do that, you will see if you are trying to do too much and can scale back accordingly. I have found that a simple life, is a happy, fulfilled life. Enjoy!

as the mother of five I learned to ask for help more and more witheach child. The hardestand best part about asking for help is realizing that it does not make you a "failure". I made more friends with my first child when I reached out to neighbors and friends by asking them to watch him just for one hour so Icould get something done which would be either impossible or take forever to do with him around. Ilearned to appreciate my "alone time more " and learned to appreciate my baby/babies more when I have others help me get a break so I can regain myself and come back to being MOM recharged and refreshed.

Mattie, I was right there where you are, wanting to be "super mom" and do it all! Have the laundry done, baby fed, house cleaned, baby happy and dinner ready on the table when my husband came home. Guess what? I was driving myself crazy! I used to say, "One day, I will get caught up, sit down and enjoy myself. I will read that good book or give that long lost friend a call." Newsflash!!! You never get caught up! It is like chasing the wind, but there are blessings to be found. I finally came to realize, as a mother of two, what really is important. Let me first say that I cherish those moment with my children. They go by in a flash; however, I am not afraid to do something I want to do. Sometimes it means enjoying that cup of hot tea, while also playing a fun game with the kids. Or, perhaps, it is catching up with a long distance friend while the kids are watching a favorite show. My biggest advice is maximize your time. I do try and capitalize on "my time" every chance I get. Five minutes here, a few more minutes there can mean the world. Good luck and hang in there. Children are a precious gift and one that should be enjoyed. Live, love, laugh and make the most of these busy, hectic days.

Mattie, Letting your husband have time with the baby is not only a break for you, but it is time that Father and child can have to bond. I bet your husband cannot wait to come home and spend time with the baby. It will probably give him some mental time off from his day at work. Your article did not say if you had a boy or a girl, but if you had a girl, remember someday she too may have a baby and who will you want her to turn to? Her mother of course! My mother helped me to learn things while giving me a little break as well. My daughter just left for college, and it just seems like yesterday I was going through the new mother delema. We are not suppose to know it all, but we should have the wisdom to take care of ourselves first so we can care for the ones we love. Best of luck to you, the fun has just began.

Actually we arent doing it all.
So many of us are in your shoes, myself included. Sadly I used to wait until I was just so flustered with stress and on the verge of tears before I would ask if I could simply shower before 5pm.
Now, if things dont get done, they dont get done and I try to resist feeling guilty that my floors havent been cleaned in two weeks. But I say to myself, my kids are clean and healthy and fed. I took them to the park and read to them, they got a lot of mommy time today so forget the floors and move on.
Just give yourself permission to prioritize what is important to you. You cant do it all alone. Just because you stay at home doesnt mean that some chores cant be for your husband.
My partner works crazy long hours, but he has things he does when he is home. Im trying to "train" him to ask what he needs to do as soon as he gets home. I have a list for him when he is home and he can take as long as he needs to to complete it, but he feels like he is helping and I can focus on other things. We also have a rule that when he is home he takes care of our older son, espeically at night. The baby is my responsiblity and our pre-schooler is his. Our older son's routine is simpler and has been in place longer since he is the oldest so my partner cant forget what comes next!

My best advice is to use naptime for you and not laundry or toher household chores. Have a cup of coffee and do something that makes you happy. Anyone who says that they can do it all is lying. I have a 6 year old and a 1 /2 year old. Some chores will always be there.

As a stay at home mom of four and small business owner that works from home home I have walked in your shoes for many years now. I still appreciate a bubble bath ad quiet time at the end of the night to break away from the routine. Now my kids even enjoy the break, I emerge not cranky and ready to play cards, curl up on the sofa, whatever...and my husband knows that he'll gain in the new and improved me , too.

Quit being such a whiner.

Hi Mattie!

I hear ya girl! I was a "new" mom again at the age of 40. It had been 12 years since I had had my last baby. At the same time I was giving birth, a 25 year old friend of mine was also having a baby They ended up being just a 5 days apart. Anyway, we just took turns watching the other's child so we could each have a little break. We did that for a couple of years. Since then we moved, but while we lived in the same time we both really took advantage of helping the other one out. Maybe you can find some other moms who would love to do the same thing with you and your child. The ones who know how to help out a new mom the best are usually the ones who are going through the same thing as well.

I am also a new mom of a little boy who just turned one year old. I have found that if I am not getting enough of what I need, all I have to do is wait, because babies change so fast! At first, "me time" was being able to take a quick shower while he napped. Back then I didn't think I would ever get to read a book again! Now, my husband and I get to spend time together every evening after the baby goes down and I even get to enjoy reading my own books while he "reads" his during the day. It helps to appreciate the small things!

As the mother of nearly 6 year old twins who really appreciates the value of "me" time, I'd like to offer a different perspective on the issue of asking for help. I'm sure that you know how good it makes you feel to lend someone a helping hand, right? Too see the joy, happiness and gratitude on the face of person you delivered a meal to or opened a door for or just offered a kind word to. That feeling is your gift for helping others and it's invaluable. If you need help and refuse to ask for it, you are denying the other person the opportunity to help you and enjoy that wonderful feeling of reaching to other human beings. I've learned in my nearly 40 years, that the person who does the giving usually gets more back than they gave.

I am 55, and a recent survivor of lymphoma. During my two-year series of ordeals I learned a lot, and one thing was to ask for help. Of course, in that situation it was painfully obvious that I couldn't do everything for myself, but it was a good lesson, noentheless. As a matter of fact, a cheneller even told me that the reason I HAD cancer was because fo my "dogged determination to self-reliance". I urge you to conquer this obstacle NOW so you don't have to learn it the hard way, like I did. The best advice he gave was his perspective on letting people 'help' you. He said that quite contrary to being a sign of weakness, it is a way of honoring what you have in common, what you admire about each other. It is a sign of respect that we need to be able to give and receive. This perspective truly elevated my view of 'helping' from a sign of inadequacy to a show of honor and respect. I hope that helps you as much as it has me! [Although I will admit honestly that I still must WORK on it.] Good luck!

Dear Mattie

The truth is - you can't do it all, not all at once at least. Nor should you want to! You have this time with your baby now. And seriously, before you have time to soak that in or appreciate it, it will be gone and you will have time alone again but wish that your 9 year old wanted to get up in your lap instead and read a book.

Of course you need a few minutes to regroup or shower - but don't dwell on it. You are neither a prebaby you or post baby you - you are just as capable and energetic now. You are a Mommy and your focus and energy now flow toward your baby - and that is what is natural. Don't worry about asking for some time or help, usually those around you are just waiting in the wings for you to loosen your grip. Take the time you need when you can even if it is in the middle of the night.

I struggled with the same thing until my husband did an "intervention" on me and demanded that I ask for help. I still fall off the wagon on occasion but when I do remember to ask for help it is such a blessing!!

I have to tellyou that i first can relate my mother said a little before 2 i have been i will do it myself and I was abundant with energy working in s physical job and still going out to the beach early mornings and dancing 5 days a week. What helped my the first ime was a book called the baby whisper solves all your problems it help me with the baby so i knew what was going on and found time to look forward to time of my own and made a once a week standing appt. in a none baby friendly place with my best friend my husband made the assumtion then i didn't have to ask which was a relief.then with my second child. i recieved a book to read when in the hospital called I was a really good mom before I had kids reinenting modern motherhood this bookdeals specifically with other mothers and this problem and few others. i know that finding time is hard but instead of a shower sometimes bathe and you can red alittle at a time. the funny thing is when you realizethat you are a good mother for this very dilema, but when you take a little time for your self you become an even better mother you will find the courage to ask. Our kids give the stregnth to do things we couldn't before because the drive to be the perfect mother wills us . although in pursuit we find that the quest may drive us mad.I wish you the best of luck on your journey and i hope that you will read both books since both are great. the baby whisperer was recommended by a doctors wife and the other my mother who after reading said she wish this had been around before she had 4 childern she would have been a lot less stressed as a mother.

It is easy to do it all when you determine the what and the when but as new parent the baby put demands on the schedule, finances and activities to be completed. Until recently new months did not expect to do it alll without family, particularly your mother. This montherly support can come from a family member or freind; particularly one who may miss out on the care of her own grandchildren. Take simple steps to develop support:
1ASK - getting past the pride and actually asking is the hardest
2 INITIATE - ask some one with kids of a similar age to the park 1 time per week. keep it simple everyone brings there on stuff, set up regular date and time intive a few frends
3 BE CReATIVE - As a single woman in my 40's who loves children I jump at the opportunity to care for freinds' children - I am reliable, responsible, cheap (just have snacks) and like the change of pace. My freinds enjoy the freedom that a few kidfree hours offers
4 ENJOY - the work will be there as the kids get older so enjoy this topsy turvy time where much of you time revovles around the children. They and you will remember it fondly. At the sametime you are molding them into gentle kind little people who will someday share these good attributes with there freinds and coworkers
5LET IT GO - the stuff that doesn't get down will be there tomorrow. Determine what is acceptable (makes you comfortable) in your, home, social life, etc. ; accept that,and live it.

Hi Mattie,
My heart goes out to you because I have been exactly where you are right now. Now that my baby isn't a baby anymore (he's three) I gained a little perspective. The best advice I can offer you is to be kinder to yourself in all aspects of your life. With time, I realized that for me, my lack of willingness to ask for help was rooted in the fact that I had gone from being totally confident and having an identity in my job to being totally clueless. It was a different me and a hard one! Now I realize that every new mom goes through it, it's totally normal and that if you don't ask you won't get it. The advice of joining a mom's group, which I did through the hospital I gave birth at, is very sound, too. I still keep in touch with those moms that I met and we have a yearly collective bday party for all those children. Rely on your girlfriends - they are golden and non-judgmental. Best Wishes to you!

My children are teenagers now but I always remember that meeting friends for coffee most mornings with children in tow was the "adult" highlight of the day. It made me realize I was not alone and I learned from others how to make time for myself. I met alot of new people this way including babysitters. In fact most of us still carry on the tradition today.

I am a stay-at-home mother of four. I have a 7 year old, a two year old and 1 year old twins. What has saved my sanity is joining a mothers club. Not only has it helped me to adjust to staying home, especially when so much of my self esteem was wrapped up in work, it has helped me not feel isolated. I have other women I can relate to and share things with. Someone to run to Target with if I need it, organized outings with other women who are there to make friends, who have also left the workforce. Many have babysitting co-ops or even just playgroups. It saves me from putting too much pressure on my husband too, because he has his own battles balancing work and our large family. Look on the internet at newcomer clubs and mothers clubs for your area. Can't find one? Keep looking, they are out there! And you will adjust, I promise, first time moms are so hard on themselves it is amazing any of us have more!

mattie-
i can relate to your situation. in my "old life" before children i was a tv producer. i was busy and bustling most days. i got to travel and stay at nice hotels and had an expense account. at the time, these things did not seem like luxuries. i often felt exhausted by all the hoopla. but, i look back now and laugh at how incredibly lucky i was to have the opportunities i had. with the stress of advertising, also come some wonderful down time. with expendable resources i was able to get those mani-pedi's, massages, and new shoes on a whim. now, with two children and a plethora of "no's" invading my every hour i look back on those advertising days as the most free that i will ever be.

but fret not, right now i am the happiest i have ever been. i have two boys only 1.5 years apart, my youngest turning one in february. i have gotten used to the 24/7 of being an at-home mom. it gets easier as time goes by. one thing i can tell you is that you must have a scale in your mind, a 1-10 per say of tolerance. when you get to about 7 on your scale of I NEED SOME SPACE, tell your partner/friend/parent that you feel that way...do not wait until 8, or 9, or the gruesome 10! you'll find that there are a lot more people out there that genuinely want to help you than you ever imagined. i have found amazing generosity from the people i love in my life in these past three years. especially other moms who seem to drop everything when they sense you are reaching a breaking point. they should know-each and every one of them has been there. at least twice, whether they have admitted this to you or not.

i also suggest reading, I was a really good mom before i had kids. it is hilarious and endearing, and true.

hope this helps and good luck to you,
stephanie
mother of jack and carter in chicago

I'm a stay-at-home-mom to three kids (ages 4, 2 1/2 and 6 months), so I know very well the importance of getting some "me" time! It's helped me tremendously to have a close group of friends who can relate to my situation. I'm lucky to have several friends whom I regularly get together with that are also stay at home moms to young children/babies. Sometimes getting together with them, even with the kids, feels like "me" time because I have a chance to talk about my stresses, needs, wants with other women who truly understand. Also, keeping in touch with these friends has prompted more "me" time -- we regularly schedule events, like mom's night out, pedicures, movies, cookie decorating, etc -- I do things for myself (with them) that I ordinarily wouldn't. We encourage each other.

Mattie, I was a new mom at 25 as well ~ she's 24 now! ~ and I had the exact same dilemma! My reasons for not wanting help are the same as yours and I haven't changed much in the last 24 years. I don't think you should try to change, take great pride in your independence. But, time for yourself is extremely important. Taking care of yourself will make you an even better mom than I'm sure you already are. So, take whatever it is that you love to do ~ that thing that energizes and satisfied you ~ and schedule time to do it. Even if you only take 15 minutes a day, or maybe an afternoon a week, schedule whatever you need. Have your husband, a friend or relative take the baby ~ or hire someone ~ and if you get that guilty mom feeling (I know that feeling) just remind yourself that to be the best person you can be you must care for yourself first. And there's another benefit ~ while you are reenergizing yourself your baby is forging a relationship with someone important in your life. I did this myself and now have raised two fabulous, successful children who truly think they have the best mom in the world. The secret? Recognizing that we all have to be personally satisfied ~ and love ourselves first ~ to be the best at whatever it is we want to be. And if it still feels hard to ask ~ don't think of it as help. Think of it as your time to energize and a privilege for whoever it is that gets to spend that time with your sweet baby! Take care and I wish you the best!

You can do it all -- just not all at once.

It may take you years to get around to something;
That should tell you it was not very important to you to begin with.

What you used to consider "me time" may change.
Nowadays you may really enjoy snuggling your baby. Do it. You will not have that opportunity again.
Eight year old boys do not have that appealing "new baby" smell, trust me. Savor what you can enjoy today.