Growing up, my father's mother lived with us, and, to be honest, it wasn't sunshine and roses all the time. Grandma was there to "babysit," play games with us, and to turn to for comfort when Mom or Dad was angry with us. There was always someone there when we came home from school. We learned to respect and help out the older generation. I am now 43 with a 14 year old daughter. My mother died 16 years ago, and my husband's mother lives 2 1/2 hours away. I miss having that mom-figure around to help and support me - and my daughter.
My father will be 72 this year, and my step-mom is fighting ovarian cancer. Her prognosis is not good. I have already mentally prepared to have my father live with us, as I would not have it any other way. There is a lot to be said for multiple generation households.

My grandmother was diagnosed with emphysema when I was very young and she came to live with us until almost the very end of her life. It was one of the most rewarding experiences for me as a child because I was able to learn from both my grandmother and my mom. It gave me a true sense of how ideas are passed down from generations. However, my mother is a social worker in a retirement home and understands the difficult transition of a parent no longer capable of taking care of herself from both sides of the coin. She knows that there are some truly fantastic retirement communities out there if you do your research. They, as needed, transition your parent into a care environment. The comfort level is much higher because the location becomes a community that your parent never feels as if they have to leave. Look over all your options and no matter how uncomfortable the conversation may feel, discuss them with your mother. You will both feel better prepared when the time comes.

I am in a somewhat similar boat. My parents were unable to have their own biological children and adopted me when they were 38. I am currently 29, almost 30 and they are 67, almost 10 years older than my friends parents. My mom has always been very self-conscious of her age but I really think she was able to teach me a lot growing up being that she was a bit older than most parents and had been through more up to that point in her life.

We've had three generations in our house for 18 years and it's wonderful! My widowed mother moved in (at my husband's suggestion!) when our first daughter was one. Now she's 84 and I'm 52, and our three daughters - 19, 17 and 14 - can't think what life would be like without Grandma around. My mom has been physically quite limited for years, with bad back and knee problems, and now heart trouble, but she still drives and has been such a help over the years. I am *so* happy I have her right here to be able to help her in turn, and still run a business and a family. My mom has moved cross-country with us four times; her limitations have never affected her spirit - she adapts far better to change than I do! She finds bridge clubs or women's clubs to join, and sews quite a bit, including Halloween costumes. The blessings are too numerous to count, with her never criticizing what's going on, and always being there for the girls. My husband adores her (though he admits he never could have lived with his own mother!) The key is that we've always provided a home where she has her own space (bedroom, living room and most times a kitchenette) so she can shut the door and we all get privacy. If you can do it, do it!

I would suggest reading Lynn Dickinson's _Living Well in a Nursing Home_. Believe me when I say that the book goes way beyond what the title suggests, touching on aspects of supporting elderly parents from sibling rivalry to how to broach the subject of aging with them. As the son of a mother with Alzheimer's, I found the book invaluable and have passed it along to everybody I know.

I live with my mother-in-law, and I have to say it has been a wonderful experience. She is one of my best friends, and it is wonderful for my children to live with Grandma. I think two important things to consider are space and personality - do you get on each other's nerves (this living arrangement would NEVER work with my mom - she drives me and my husband crazy) and do you have enough space that everyone can have a place to get away - especially important with young children. If you pass both of these tests, why wait until she can't live alone - many people are resistant to that idea anyway, clinging to their independence, but if she moves in when she can still do things (and, you have an excuse...young children for example) it might be more appealing. I hope it works for you!

Hi Olivia,
I think it's wonderful that you are planning ahead what your mom will do as she ages. Make sure you consider what your mom would like to do - maybe she will prefer, as my grandmother did, to go into an assited living home. If you both decide she should move in, that's great! There is nothing more fun and interesting than getting to know your parents adult to adult - much more fun than being the teenager who had to follow their rules! I lived briefly with my parents following my mother's heart surgery it was a great time for all of us. I believe she recovered faster because of the laughs we were all able to share while she recovered.

Hi Olivia, I’m about to turn 42 so I loved that your ideal age was 42! Thank you! I had an older mom growing up (she had me when she was 38) so I can relate to a lot of what you said. She passed away at age 79 just four months ago. She was pretty healthy until her last year. It was a very difficult year for us, but it prepared us so that when she finally did pass away, we were all relieved. I miss her terribly. What I wanted to pass along to you was that my mom REFUSED to move in with us, though we tried. She said she did not want to burden us and that it would change our family life. She also wanted to live in an independent living facility that had an assisted option for her as she aged (located in the Bay Area, though there are many of them nowadays). We saw her very often, and she loved it there – had friends with whom she ate her meals, played bridge, went to socials, took day trips, etc. Sometimes I wish she had lived with us. Right now my in-laws are visiting us for eight weeks. It’s very difficult, and I’m counting the days until they leave, which sounds just terrible but it’s honest. They are nice, normal people but it’s so hard to have them here all the time. Now I really appreciate my mom’s choice. I think she knew exactly what she was doing. Bottom line: you have to make the best choice for you and for your mom WITH YOUR MOM. Having her close by and being part of her regular life is ideal, but independence can also be very important.

When the day comes and your mother becomes unable to live alone, if she is in good health and doesn't need 24-hour care, move her in. I love my mother so much and she is one of my best friends. I'm a single mother with three kids and being in the same house with her has been such a great experience. I see her all the time, my kids love her, and she loves them. Living together is not a recipe for disaster. You will probably have to get used to living together and the other's habits, but it's still a good idea.

An aside: I am 36 and have been married for over twelve years. My mother is extremely healthy and more beautiful than ever. I know the day will come when she actually starts to age. When that day comes twenty years from now, we will do everything possible to keep her in our home.

Totally off-topic, Olivia: I have a knack for remembering names, musical artists, movie titles, and obscure trivia by mentally going through the alphabet. Like, who played that creepy guy in the Charlie's Angels films? Uh, A-B-C... Crispin Glover! My husband thinks I should go into the sideshow business.

I am an "only," and my father died in October 2001. My husband and I were transplants to Columbia, South Carolina, and my parents had been living in Lexington, Kentucky for only a short while. It was logical for Mama to move closer to us, and we even tried separate houses for a year. My first son was born in November 2002, and the doting grandmother became a great fixture in our home; she moved into our home the following spring. Our second son came along in May 2004, and we decided that we needed a larger home. We moved to our current home in November 2005; I found out just two weeks later that we were having twins-- WOW! I think Mama may have started reconsidering her options at the point of our grand announcement. Our third son and first daughter came into our lives nineteen wonderful months ago. I am officially "Mama" now, and my mother is thrilled to be Meme around here. She will be 64 this summer, and life could not be grander! She fills her day with her garden center job, and we always appreciate the extra set of hands at home!

Here's a surprise: she and my husband are like old friends. They have inside jokes, tease each other, and share the love of gardening; she rarely interferes in our decisions (out of respect for our adult lives). All three adults in our home are quite opinionated and a bit self-indulgent/selfish, so we do have conflict at times. Fortunately, we all are of the mind to just have our say, and then it is over and done with. Meme rarely tells me how to parent, but what little feedback I DO get often is of support or praise. I tell you... having a parent watching over your shoulder as you parent can be refreshing in that it can quell heated moments (like when the three-year-old stuffs the toilet with TP and Playmobil or when the five-year-old actually thinks his vote counts when it comes to whether or not he goes to bed).

The best part is that my remaining parent is a constant reminder of the father that we lost seven years ago; I miss him so much, and I cherish the warm memories of our family as it was then. We keep him alive in our conversations, and we tell the children what a riot he could be! Additionally, my mother really goes out of her way to be an incredible grandmother-- not the warm-and-fuzzy "let's bake chocolate cookies together" kind of grandmother. She listens to their funny takes on life, she reads "Good Night, Gorilla" the umpteenth time to the babies, she shows compassion when they are hurt, she can be authoritative when my husband and I have had our backs turned one second too long, and she brings a whole other generational view to our home.

She has been a blessing, and I personally think that other cultures have really hit the nail on the head when they have many generations in the home. There exists an active harmony and raucous peace in our home. It can work, it does work, and it should work in more homes in our country. We now are considering another move; this time cross-country. When asked by friends if Meme would go with us I respond, "Of course. We're a family."

Very best wishes.

Olivia, it's so admirable that you are willing to do arrange your new life to accommodate your mother's needs. Having been in your shoes and somewhat older than you, I can offer you the best advice that once was given to me by my own mother, whom I lost a year ago at age 2 after a three year illness. We discussed exactly those issues long before she became ill,so once I made the decision to move her in with my family, I knew exactly how to proceed. Rest assured that it DOES work, that with everyone's cooperation her presence in your home will be a huge blessing. Don't give up your life. Maintain your activities, include your mom when possible. Don't give up your "me" time, or your "us" time with your spouse or your children. The happier you feel inside the better and more workable this living situation will be, trust me on that. And your mother will never feel like a burden or an imposition in your home. My mom, too, was a very intelligent, independent person until she became ill. I kept her with us until the end, and believe me, it is a gift you give to both yourself and your mother, provided the "groundwork" is laid properly. You say you are an only child. Don't be afraid to reach out to help in your community, such as senior clubs which will offer her much needed friendship and interest. They're not what they used to be, there are tons of vital, interesting and "good company" seniors out there looking for the same. It doesn't matter how old we are, we all need lady friends, girlfriends. Your mom is no exception. Good luck to you. Your mom is fortunate and blessed and so are you it seems!

Olivia, it's so admirable that you are willing to do arrange your new life to accommodate your mother's needs. Having been in your shoes and somewhat older than you, I can offer you the best advice that once was given to me by my own mother, whom I lost a year ago at age 2 after a three year illness. We discussed exactly those issues long before she became ill,so once I made the decision to move her in with my family, I knew exactly how to proceed. Rest assured that it DOES work, that with everyone's cooperation her presence in your home will be a huge blessing. Don't give up your life. Maintain your activities, include your mom when possible. Don't give up your "me" time, or your "us" time with your spouse or your children. The happier you feel inside the better and more workable this living situation will be, trust me on that. And your mother will never feel like a burden or an imposition in your home. My mom, too, was a very intelligent, independent person until she became ill. I kept her with us until the end, and believe me, it is a gift you give to both yourself and your mother, provided the "groundwork" is laid properly. You say you are an only child. Don't be afraid to reach out to help in your community, such as senior clubs which will offer her much needed friendship and interest. They're not what they used to be, there are tons of vital, interesting and "good company" seniors out there looking for the same. It doesn't matter how old we are, we all need lady friends, girlfriends. Your mom is no exception. Good luck to you. Your mom is fortunate and blessed and so are you it seems!

Olivia, it's so admirable that you are willing to do arrange your new life to accommodate your mother's needs. Having been in your shoes and somewhat older than you, I can offer you the best advice that once was given to me by my own mother, whom I lost a year ago at age 2 after a three year illness. We discussed exactly those issues long before she became ill,so once I made the decision to move her in with my family, I knew exactly how to proceed. Rest assured that it DOES work, that with everyone's cooperation her presence in your home will be a huge blessing. Don't give up your life. Maintain your activities, include your mom when possible. Don't give up your "me" time, or your "us" time with your spouse or your children. The happier you feel inside the better and more workable this living situation will be, trust me on that. And your mother will never feel like a burden or an imposition in your home. My mom, too, was a very intelligent, independent person until she became ill. I kept her with us until the end, and believe me, it is a gift you give to both yourself and your mother, provided the "groundwork" is laid properly. You say you are an only child. Don't be afraid to reach out to help in your community, such as senior clubs which will offer her much needed friendship and interest. They're not what they used to be, there are tons of vital, interesting and "good company" seniors out there looking for the same. It doesn't matter how old we are, we all need lady friends, girlfriends. Your mom is no exception. Good luck to you. Your mom is fortunate and blessed and so are you it seems!

Olivia, it's so admirable that you are willing to do arrange your new life to accommodate your mother's needs. Having been in your shoes and somewhat older than you, I can offer you the best advice that once was given to me by my own mother, whom I lost a year ago at age 2 after a three year illness. We discussed exactly those issues long before she became ill,so once I made the decision to move her in with my family, I knew exactly how to proceed. Rest assured that it DOES work, that with everyone's cooperation her presence in your home will be a huge blessing. Don't give up your life. Maintain your activities, include your mom when possible. Don't give up your "me" time, or your "us" time with your spouse or your children. The happier you feel inside the better and more workable this living situation will be, trust me on that. And your mother will never feel like a burden or an imposition in your home. My mom, too, was a very intelligent, independent person until she became ill. I kept her with us until the end, and believe me, it is a gift you give to both yourself and your mother, provided the "groundwork" is laid properly. You say you are an only child. Don't be afraid to reach out to help in your community, such as senior clubs which will offer her much needed friendship and interest. They're not what they used to be, there are tons of vital, interesting and "good company" seniors out there looking for the same. It doesn't matter how old we are, we all need lady friends, girlfriends. Your mom is no exception. Good luck to you. Your mom is fortunate and blessed and so are you it seems!

Olivia...I am 42 years old and my mother moved in with my husband and I when my parents divorced and she lost our family home. When she moved in with us we had no children and had been married for about 6 years. It has been 12 years and four adopted children later and we are still enjoying a beautiful and growing new relationship with one another. It was challenging to learn "the dance" in the beginning, and we are still adjusting as situations pop up, but it has been the best thing for our family. I get to enjoy my mother before she "needs" me to care for her and my children get to spend time with their grandmother daily. It's all my kids have ever known...to take care of your family...they are already talking about when I live with them some day! My mother is 65 and getting ready to retire now. It will be a new kind of adjustment for us and a different season. It is an honor to be able to give back to her while she can understand and receive from me. Best of luck!

When my husband's drinking became unbearable, and I knew that I could not live that way anymore, I left with my 2 sons, ages 7 and 4 at the time, and moved back into my parents' home. I had worked for my husband for 4 years and did not have a job to provide for me and my sons. It was the best decision I ever made. My sons, who are now 21 and 18, grew up in a loving home with my parents as wonderful role models. It also kept them young, as I went to work, and Rae-Rae (Gramma) now had something to focus in her retirement. She was always a go-getter, who never sat still, so the boys gave her a purpose to keep moving. With the death of my father four years ago, being here for her was even more important, as she begins to experience health problems. Both boys are now in college, so now it is me and Mom and the dog! It was been quite a journey - not always smooth - but extremely successful for my family. Good luck!

Dear Olivia,

How wonderful that you have such a close, loving relationship with your mother. I am similarly close with my mom, and I can tell you that should the situation ever require it, I would welcome her (or my father, or my in-laws) into my home with open arms. And I am speaking from experience.

My grandparents moved into my childhoom home when I was twelve, when my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimers. My grandfather eventually needed to live in a home, and passed away shortly thereafter. My grandmother was only in her 60s then and she was healthy. However, everyone decided that she should continue living with us, so there she remained for the next twenty years.

I can tell you from the child's prespective that having a grandparent in the home is a wonderful thing. There was always an extra set of arms to care for and hug my sisters and I. She was always available to help my busy mother, which made my mother more available to us than she otherwise would be. And more than anything, I got to know my grandmother so much more than I would have had she been living apart from us.

Another bonus: While having his mother-in-law in the house may have given my father a few premature gray hairs, I really think it was a good thing for my parents' relationship overall. Having her there forced them to keep their emotions in check a bit more than they would have otherwise. After all, would you want to have a full-scale, selfish, profanity-strewn battle with your significant other while your mom was listening? Exactly - you'd find a calmer way to work it out, which my parents usually did.

Good luck with your decision, and enjoy every day with your mother!

My mother, who is 88, has lived with my husband and me for four years. She has fallen several times and broke her hip last year. My husband is wonderful with her. My mother and I have always been close, and she always said she didn't ever want to be in a nursing home. I chose to take care of her, and I am glad I we are doing that. She continues to teach me a lot about life and about growing older, and my life is richer because of her.

My mother, who is 88, has lived with my husband and me for four years. She has fallen several times and broke her hip last year. My husband is wonderful with her. My mother and I have always been close, and she always said she didn't ever want to be in a nursing home. I chose to take care of her, and I am glad I we are doing that. She continues to teach me a lot about life and about growing older, and my life is richer because of her.

As someone who has been through this twice with my mother-in-law - once where it didn't work, and a second time when it did - I'd make sure you, your husband and your mom are all on the same page before making a move. Some things to discuss are: finances, how will you & your husband maintain your own privacy and marriage while she lives in your home, her involvement with your kids if you have them (a big sticking point with us the first time around), what each side will contribute toward household work, etc... Even though my mil is 83 and can't drive or do as much as she used to, she is healthy. She has offered to do the dishes every night, is our 4-year-old's official stuffed animal doctor and stays home with our son some nights after we put him to bed so we have a chance to spend some alone time. I used to feel guilty having her do my dishes, but it is very important to her to feel useful. So, now we take her up on anything she offers to do, which really helps us out. There are pros and cons to any living situation, and the more people involved, the more compromises are needed. But, the negatives can be minimized when you have open lines of communication and mutual respect. Also, as my husband says, we are teaching our son how to treat us when we're older.

I don't think that is a recipe for disaster. It sounds like your mother and you, and your fiance, all have respect for each other, and that is the key to making it work. Respect each other's view points, and respectfully listen to them. What usually causes problems that I have seen are mother's who try to control their children's lives, or children who don't have any respect for their parent's wisdom. My mother just died this past year at 60. I was counting on her getting older and needing me, and I am disappointed that I will never get to repay the care she gave me as a child.

My partner and I have three kids, ages 2, 4, and 8 and we both have really hectic and demanding jobs. But our daily lives work really well, and that's because inviting my parents to move in with us was one of the best decisions we ever made. Our kids are always well cared for. There is always a nutritious meal on the table. We never hesitate to go on a date night or on an overnight business trip. There are always compromises to be made when one has both a career and a household of kids, but having loving grandparents in the home reduces the stress around those decisions. This is not to say it's always stress free. We struggle with the issue of discipline (we have different standards). We feel guilty when our toddler prefers bedtime stories with "papa" rather than us. And financial planning takes on a whole new meaning when you're responsible for a multi-generational household. We've had to stretch almost beyond our means to afford a home in a nice neighborhood with an "in-law suite". And we know that one day the tables will turn, and my partner will stay home to provide care for my parents. But while we all enjoy our health, there is truly nothing better than raising children in a family with parents and grandparents under a single roof.

I'm 44 years old, married with 3 girls (ages 10, 9 and 8) and have my mother-in-law living with us. She has been with us for 2 years now.

First let me say that I do think its doable but I'll share my observations so that when you reach this point in your life you can make a fully informed decision.

My mother-in-law is 73 and lost her husband 11 years ago. We built a mother-in-law suite for her with a kitchette. Her own space is key!

After her husband died she was often alone. We were already looking after her, having her to dinner 1-2x /week and sending her home w/care packages. We thought having her around a young active family would light the flame to live again but it has not. Most days she doesn't leave her room except to have dinner with us. She often lacks the desire to interact with friends or even to visit her other children nearby. While she has no illness, she is overweight and often doesn't feel well.

Speakly only for myself, at times its difficult to be around someone who is not well. I often find that I miss the privacy of just my husband or just my husband and the girls. While she never says anything directly to me at times I feel my "wifeing and mothering" are being judge. But that could be my own insecurities.

On the plus side, I truly believe our children have benefited from the intangibles of having her around and for that I am grateful. And I have too. There are times that I consult her (my mother has dimentia). I know she would do anything for us and us for her.

From the first time she and I met we have always had a mutually respectful and friendly relationship. When we first got married I used to joke to her about having her live with us. (we've been married almost 18 years!) I had no idea I was foretelling the future.

I think the key to our success has been the fact that she has her own space. Its a large bedroom and sitting area with a kitchenette (fridge and microwave). The bathroom is wheelchair ready and has a laundry area in it too. I also believe that had we not had foundation to our relationship this would not be possible.

Most people responded negatively when we told them she was moving in. You just need to ignore those comments and follow your heart. If not for your family then for whom?

Congratulations on your engagement. And I wish you all the best when your mother does come to live with you.

Donna