Tara,
Having been thru divorce and remarriage (so there is an exhusband and exwife my husband and I deal with due to children...I had two, he had one and collectively we have five ages 22, 19, 18, 13, 9) I think it is important that you know three things:
1. You cannot be responsible for the emotional health or happiness of any one but yourself. If you make decisions based on what brings you happiness/joy/contentment (assuming you are responsible and stable) then your boys will hopefully be happy because they learned from your example.
2. Several of the absolute best parents I have ever known have had children become tragically unhappy and/or emotionally unstable for many reasons. You are responsible for your own happiness and only your own happiness.
3. Several of the happiest most well adjusted and successful adults I know had horrible or at least less than ideal childhoods. Once again, you are only responsible for your own happiness, and children will benefit from your example of security and happiness.

Base your decisions on what creates an environment with the least conflict in your home and makes you happy. Co-parenting is hard to do. Usually someone has to be in charge of decisions with regard to kids. As the custodial parent of my two oldest children I had the final say so with regard to the kids and I stuck with the visitation in the legal divorce decree. My husband's exwife is the custodial parent of his (our) daughter and we always insisted that she be with us during legally designated visitation and while in our house she folowed the same rules and was treated as if she were there all the time. As she prepares to go off to college I find her with us more and more, and my two oldest college aged kids have very little contact with their dad.

Our children love bing in a home where there is happiness, respect, tolerance (even of their other parents),love, well established boundaries, and a lot of humor (which I find essential to happiness!). I would never dream of allowing exes to participate in any family event. When graduations, funerals, etc. have occurred I am cordial. And happy. On birthdays and holidays we have our celebrations without exes even if these must be postponed a day or moved up a day. And I am happy. When marriages occur I expect my then adult children to decide what they want and my husband and I will participate and contribute as much or as little as we choose. And I expect to be happy.

Stick to your guns and whatever the circumstances do what makes you happy and comfortable, as best you can. Forget trying to have a better relationship with the ex. Limit your contact with him-and especially any girlfriend. Create your own family celebrations and traditions with as little input from the ex as you can manage. Allow your children to flourish in an environment in which you are happy and in control and they know it. Good luck!

I don't know about letting everything slide. You have to think about what is most important to you as far as teaching your boys. If the decision doesn't affect your morals and teaching of them, I'd consider letting it go. A fellow stepmom told me something that I try to remember -- not very successfully though... Don''t look on their side of the fence and don't let her come play in yours. This means don't care about what they are doing and don't allow them any access to your "yard." Why give away the power?

Hi Tara,
We have a lot in common. I am separate and the divorce will be final July 13 and I will have full physical custody of our two sons, also aged 8 and 3. I too, work full-time at a job I love. I struggle with the same issue as you-- deciding whether or not to stick to my principles or argue with my sons' father. I have found that generally, it doesn't pay to argue with him because he is impossible to deal with and he really doesn't change his behavior (i.e. he doesn't serve our children regular meals, but snacks, so that when they come home to me at 7 p.m., they haven't eaten and are hungry). So basically, I just ignore that and have a meal prepared for them when they return home.... I guess I would rather just keep the peace than wage a battle that can never be won.

Loving Gillins post!

My husband and I split briefly and he was involved with another woman. The subject of how to handle this type of issue came up in conversation. Though my childish hurt self wanted to scream obsenities and explain that only a selfish person would even think of inviting a girl friend to a child's birthday, my adult self calmly explained that for events he was responsible for planning (which for birthdays would have been every other year) he would have to make those decisions. I explained I understood that he had our daughter's best interest at heart (at the time of the conversation I can't say I truly believed that but my saying it was meaningful to him I think). For events that I was responsible for planning that I wouldn't feel comfortable inviting her, and I felt it was my option to make that choice and I hoped he could understand that.

Unfortunately children end of paying the price in these type of situations, but I think it's really hard to not let your hurt and pain get in the way. I wish you luck in your decision.

I read all the post before I commented including your reply Tara.

While I think some went overboard with their criticism of you, some people had very good points.

You started off by not wanting your husband’s girlfriend at your child’s birthday party as your example for co-parenting issues and then you tell us why; because you are insecure and feel threatened that she is trying to take your place as their mother. Is your child’s birthday about your child and their big day or is it about you and you delivering?

After going to a few children’s birthday parties I feel confident in stating this: Most children don’t care what adults are attending (unless they cause a big scene), all they care about is being with their little friends, having fun, what gifts they got and how many sweets and treats they can eat. After all it is about them not you and your ex-husband’s love interest…

I also gather you are threatened this “girlfriend” will take your place as his wife too.

Out of curiosity, I Googled your name and found your radio station. There was a link on the website for a “my space” page for you. Your profile there as well as some of your post state you have a boyfriend you seem quite passionate about, you relish in the attention your job brings you and you give certain details about your life that will give you additional attention.

For someone who states their life is “so together” you sure do seem to have serious issues of jealousy, insecurity and a need for attention and constant praise. I am going to guess you don’t like criticism much either and feel like if you had thought you would get any here you would not have participated in this article.

Maybe it was your ex-husband’s behavior toward you that caused your shortcoming and continues to feed them. Regardless of the case why don’t you act like an adult and start by acting reasonable. Like the Ms. Whitworth above said, take the high road and try to act like a lady about all this, be gracious.

I need a wife too (or a damn good personal assistant with benefits!). It bizarre, I am a lesbian that considers myself also a feminist, but I secrectly long to have lived in the 40's and just 'kept home' all day and cooked and cleaned until my husband came home....
Clare x

To Tara and Sarah Rachael; If the truth hurts, there is a reason. I have to say, I was very angry when I read the article and should have counted to 10 before writing. I could have said it differently, and with more Grace. I apologize. That being said, the truth still remains. Those children should be your first priority in life. Everything else should come second. Your feelings of jealousy to the new woman, your job, everything. THEY are the most important thing you will ever do in this life. Not your job. Again, I am sorry if what I said was not presented kindly. I am sorry for 'attacking' you..that does nothing but make people defensive. I feel very passionately that children need to be provided with the best circumstances possible to go out into the world. And from what I read, that is not the case.

Tara,

I'm a separated parent of going on 4 years. Co-parenting is very difficult, but we both have to be adults about this. Raising kids on your own is very difficult and stressful at times. I'm very involve in my kids lives for I did not have anyone to look up to when I was a child. I'm also very involve in my ex because I want to see her do well and I want to help out as much as possible to make life alittle easy. I pretty much gave up my life just so I know that they are alright. My last relationship didn't go well because I was always helping my ex out with things and she didn't like it as much and felt like she was not 1st in our relationship. We've now moved onto separate lives again. The most important thing in life is your health and happiness, without those things, you kids will suffer in their lives as adults. So, if you can, don't give up hope and always think of the kids. As long as they are happy, you will be alright. There nothing you can really do about your ex. He's moved on and now it's your turn. Just remember, kids need their father in their lives and there are not many out there that even want to see their kids. Be happy and proud of the most precious things in your life. Sorry if this was abit sloppy.

I think parenting is the hardest job ever! even more so being a single parent. Tara, you should fight for what you believe in and let the rest slide. Just do not fight in front of the boys. If you belive and fight for you principals then your boys will grow up being self-assured adults who will pobably do the same and have tons of respect for their mother. Not sure what to say about the girlfriend. I guess it depends on why you do not want her there. Does your boys not like her, have they not met her, is she not a good role model? I guess just keep doing the best you know how and keep growing as a mother, that is all any of us mothers can do. That said, I cant believe how judgemental people can be to someone they have never meant (that means you Amanda Rettke). Keep your nasty comments to yourself or to someone who truly deserves them.
I do listen to your show on the radio and you are the best DJ in town!!

I think it all boils down to the kids. How you act in front of them does not have to be how you really feel; and regarding bringing his girlfriend to the party, it is ultimately up to you (assuming you were hosting). It's your house, your rules. That's not a power struggle, that's guests respecting your wishes.

And, your article says "nearly two years into our new lives": that's how Deborah guessed. ;)

I am a product of divorced parents so my advice is coming from that perspective. Stick to your principles as a woman, mother, and role model. There are countless memories that I have of my mother not being that strong role model for me and I have resentment towards her because of that paradox that she constantly presented to me. Show your kids, and you ex-husband, that you can stick to your principles that you have created for yourself, and in a sense, have created for your kids. Best of luck. Remember, your kids will look back on you as a strong role model if that is how you choose to present yourself.

Tara,

My advice comes from watching my long term boyfriend's family. His parents divorced when he was a teenager. His father forced his new girlfriend on the boys; forcing them to spend time together, taking her on vacations with the boys too soon, inserting her into every conversation, etc. The boys mother on the other hand, continued to put her boys first and let them come around to accepting the new man in her life on their own terms. Now, years later, there is no animosity between the boys mother and boyfriend and her sons. Their father, on the other hand, is a different story. Simply, my advice would be to continue to focus on the things that are within your immediate control and let your ex focus on things that are within his. As long as his decisions aren't harming your boys, trust that your boys will know how to respond to something that makes them unhappy. If your boys are unhappy with having their father's new girlfriend at a party for example, chances are, they will say so and you won't have too. If they aren't upset about it, then you should try not to worry about it either, because as you said, the boys always come first.

To Deborah: how do you know how long I've been divorced? It's not mentioned in the piece. Just curious.

And to Amanda: realize that magazines edit a LOT of things for space, and my whole story couldn't be told on one page of a magazine. I think saying that I want to keep the peace with my ex for my sons' sake shows they are a priority. If they weren't, I certainly wouldn't care about getting along with their father.

And to anyone who is a mother: imagine another woman stepping into your role and acting like she's the mother and you're the surrogate who carried those beautiful boys, and tell me it wouldn't hurt. Unless you've been through an experience like that, you shouldn't judge. This forum is meant for helpful suggestions, not mean criticism.

There are times you must distance yourself from a circumstance/situation and ask yourself "10 years from now will this snag/problem/hassle really matter or be important? Odds are great that it will not...
I offer this from experience as a divorced mother with
a (now) grown son: develop YOUR OWN CONFIDENCE as a mother! It will be one of the best gits you can give to yourself and to your children. Once you reallize that your role as "MOM" is secure, and can not, will not, and is impossible to destroy/substitute/replace you will be able to truly relax with your kids, enjoy them, relish time together,
and not lose precious moments that would otherwise
be spend second-guessing yourself as a Mother.
All your times with your children are "Kodak moments"...they occur quickly and are gone before we know it! Before you can even imagine it, they will
be out and living on their own. Relish this time.

Let your marriage go! It's been nearly two years. Ask yourself why you had an issue about your ex-husband bringing his girlfriend to your son's birthday party. Certainly, she is a part of your son's life. She won't replace you, but she is definitely a part of his life. By putting up a fuss, you're creating a barrier to coparenting. MOVE ON. Take the high road. Get over your ex-husband. Practice being polite. You don't have to embrace her, but you do have to tolerate her presence. The best way to do that is to not let her or your ex-husband get to you.

My mother took the high road. My father (and I use the term loosely; I call him sperm donor) got a woman pregnant while married to my mother. This half-sister is several months younger than my younger sister. That was the last straw; my mom, after trying to make a marriage work, divorced the sperm donor after 18 years of marriage. And she took the high road. She rarely, if ever, said anything negative about the sperm donor; in fact, I didn't know about his other family until I was an adult. We had little contact with him, by his own choosing. I will always remember that my mother was polite when he came to visit. He never introduced his old family to his new family, but if he had, I'm quite confident that my mother would have been polite. She would not allow him to get to her. She was over him.

Tara, get over your ex-husband and set an example for your son. Treat both the girlfriend and ex-husband with courtesy and your son will always remember that you took the high road.

My mother passed away 20 years ago this November. I think of her every day and know a few things: she never put her children in a position where we had to choose between her and the sperm donor; she rarely said something if she couldn't say something nice; and she always said that the one great thing that came out of her marriage was her 3 daughters.

She took the high road. You should too. It's not about today, it's about your son's tomorrows and how he remembers how you acted. You are his role model. Act like one.

I am very sad for this woman for a number of reasons. She has 2 beautiful sons who are almost mentioned as an afterthought in the 'bio'. And when she answers, "Whats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you?" she says something about her job. Not her two beautiful kids that she has put through a divorce...but something about Her job. Which SHE loves. Great. THEN, she has the audacity to try to use this forum to bash her EX some MORE by implying that her 'principles' are more grounded than his...and that she might have to(get a kleenx) let her principles slide to keep the peace. How dare she bash her ex like that in a magazine that her SONS will read? A good example??? She actually declares that she wants to set a good exapmle? How about focusing your life on your kids and MAKING the PEACE with your EX. FOR THEM. How about not fulfilling your own selfish needs in life but making sacrifices FOR YOUR KIDS. THAT would be the best example. This woman clearly has her priorities askew, and frankly, SO DOES this magazine for FEATURING her! I am SOOOOO glad I let my subscription expire. I DARE YOU TO PRINT THAT!!!!

A teacher once told me to always give people at least two choices to someone you are arguing with - choices that you can live with. For example: 1-I am OK that you bring girlfriends who you being dating for at least 6 months OR I don't feel confortable with the ideia, but I agree you would take our son on a birthday date with you and your girlfriend any day you pick OR I will host the b-day party this year - no girlfriend - and you can host next year - your way. What I mean, is, think about options that you could live with and let him pick one.

Its nice to hear that you want the best 4 your sons but noone never said that parenting was easy; theres always going to be struggles, successes, and failures. The fact that you are struggling with thinking of ways to make it better shows that you are a loving and caring parent. Thats 1 kudos 4 you. Kudos #2 you want to set a good example for your kids. The truth is all you can do is YOUR best. However if you feel that your best is not good enough then its time to seek a family counselor, especially since you and your husband can't seem to see eye 2 eye on some parenting issues I strongly suggest you and your husband see one for the benefit of your kids. It sounds to me that you and your husband has some ideas and principles with different viewpoints in regards to parenting : he say up you say down, he say left you say right. Constantly not agreeing on things is not setting a good example 4 the kids. It sounds to me that in your opinion if its done YOUR way it is considered 'sticking to your principles' but if its done your husbands way it is considered letting things slide. If you feel like you are letting things slide just because it is going Dad's way then it means that you are not happy with the decision which will shoot forth a negative energy that your children will feel. Which is not a good example because this bad energy will tell your children that 1) Mommy is not happy with daddy. 2) I guess mommy and daddy are not getting along. You certainly do not want your kids to think like that. Seeing a counseling can teach how to communicate in a way where you can be able to understand each others viewpoint instead of selfishly just being bias to your own and therefore make the best decision as to the best solution for your kids sake and in order for them to learn how to handle problems better as they arise, and how to communicate with others when they encounter a disagreement.

I feel you! I think about that too!
God speed!

I have been in a similiar situation. My X and I were separated/divorced for many many years and it never got any easier. Its your sons birthday party. The attention needs to be on your son. Your X can be with his girlfriend whenever else he wants to. I dont think it will hurt their relationship if she misses a childs birthday party. They can always throw their own party for him and invite whoever they want.

Tara,
As soon as I read the first few words of your dilemna, I put my had over your photograph and said a prayer for you and your family. Believe me, I am not super religous or a saint, but I can sympathize with you. I am a physician, mother of three, who despite a brutal sepration, decided to give up all of my personal accomplishment to save my marriage. I gave up my practice, relocated to my husband's new city, took the kids from their known environment and moved away from my family. I quess if it had worked out, I'd be a saint, but it hasn't. We are like to raging bulls in a china shoppe, and divorce is unavoidable. What do I do now? Like you, everyday I question if I should bend on my principles for the sake of peace. My motto or advise....everything is about those innocent wonderful human beings that we share. If my decision or stand on an issue (even if it is right) will adversely affect them...then I bend. I want my children to also be mentally healthy, especially when it comes to relationships and marriage. I don't want them to every say, mommy made decisions based on self. Children don't always scream, stop the fighting or I wish you two could get along better. They have nightmare, tummy aches, and become isolated. To spare them alittle anguish, I will keep the peace.
With that said, I would always fight to the end for what's right, but sometimes I have to admit my principles are always what's right for me, but may not be the only truth. Wish you all the best!!!!!

I have a friend going through a simliar situation and as I have watched I have found that the kids will figure it out for themselves and all the worrying and stress will not change that. My friend's ex is a total loser and she's worried her daughter will like him more and I tell her one day she will realize too that her dad is a loser and know who the parent is that cares for and looks out for her best interest. Hang in there....it will get better!!

My father and I disagree strongly on matters of politics and religion. I used to "fight back," but then decided that our relationship was more important than my getting him to see my point of view. Now, if he vents or tries to begin a sticky discussion, I listen and nod, telling myself, "You can learn from everything" but not giving counter arguments. In the end, it's my father I care about.