You don't *have* to have children. Think about this: Would you rather regret *having* children or regret *not* having them? If you don't like them, you cannot return them or drop them off at a shelter. They change your life completely. They are not a requirement.

Ali, You are never really ready until you are in it. Even after almost 4 years with my daughter I still wonder if I am ready! It sounds like you have a fantastic partner who will be there to support you as well as a good role model from your Mother. Both of which are huge assests! Everything falls into place and you do work the details out. It is hard work and your life does change but it is absolutely 100% worth it. Your relationship with your husband will be different and better after a child so my only suggestion is to be married for awhile to really savour each other. Best of luck!

Folow your gut with your child and you will be an aweome mom.....it is not as hard as people say...spent as much time as you can together....driving to and from school is invaluable....hanging out together is too.. A great Dad in the picture is a tremendous plus....my daughter turned out terrific even thought she spent so much time with me on my job she could have done it. I was a single parent and my daughter says she had a totally wonderful childhood. go for it!!

Ali,

I'm 28, and too always thought that "being a mom was something that would happen way in the future" too. It's shocking sometimes how the timelines of our lives move right along whether were ready for them to or not. My husband and I recently moved to Philadelphia so he could start a new (very busy) job... and, of course, moving means new house, new neighbors, new church, new grocery store (amazing how frustrating that one was!), pretty much NEW EVERYTHING. And then we found out that we have a baby on the way. I actually cried, wondering if I could handle all the transition that was coming my way (we had only been married for a little over a year at the time we found out.)

But now, I'm really excited! Scared, too, but mostly thrilled at this new phase in our lives and the prospect of having children - something that I have always dreamed and prayed about. My wonderful mom said to me, "It's hard work, but VERY rewarding!" Plus she said, "You'll be a wonderful mother!" How reassuring from such an amazing woman!

As to being ready, well, I didn't really think I was (though I had been thinking about babies a lot shortly before we found out.) But I think the definition of "ready" can be pretty hard to nail down. Certainly, there will never be a time in anyone's life when they feel that they have now arrived, and have every aspect of their lives in order to the point that they can eagerly dive into something so completely unknown and life changing and life-rearranging (parenthood) without any qualms about their fitness for such an endeavor. (Sorry for the run-on sentence, but hopefully you get the idea!) I think that it's good to examine your life, work, finances, schedule and relationships to determine if having a baby will push any of those areas past the limits of your sanity. But the great thing about all of those considerations is that YOU CAN CHANGE THEM! My husband and I have talked a lot about these areas and how we are going to adjust our lifestyle to remain healthy after our little bun comes out of the oven.

I think the other thing that really gives me a lot of peace of mind about having a baby is that I am convinced that God is in control of my life. What He brings my way is always for my good, AND He will give me everything that I need to do any task that He assigns. Seems He's asking me to be a mom. Ok, so I will happily and joyfully embrace this task, with all of it's ups and downs, and rest in the fact that someone bigger than the universe is looking out for me, giving me strength, listening to my prayers, and acting on my behalf.

God bless you, and have a wonderful, sparkly Merry Christmas!

Ali, honey, if you are not obsessed with babies and do not have to restrain yourself from stealing other peoples' children out of their strollers, you are not ready to be a mom. Mother Nature has these wonderful hormones that begin screaming at you when it is your time. The little darling will start speaking to your heart before s/he ever shows up in the adorable flesh. Wait for it; it's just like falling in love.

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I'm also 28 and my husband and I have the same thing on our minds..KIDS! I think about the same things as you do. So we started reading up on "parenting". Even though there is no universal manual, its helpful and good to know. An important aspect about being parents is that we have to be good examples and role models. So we should constantly try to improve ourselves and hope that will help us be good parents! Lucky for us we both have great husbands who we know will make amazing dads!

DON'T wait until all the "practical matters" seem perfect--the finances, insurance, job schedules--they probably never will be, at least all at the same time. DO make sure that you are ready, as a couple, to have another focus, all all-encompassing focus; and make sure that you are absolutely committed to staying in touch with each other, loving each other. If you do that, you're ready...set...go!!!

Dear Ali,
I too pondered that question with my husband for years after we were married. Do we want to have kids? Are we ready to make the sacrifices? We always loved kids, and while I really did not know all that it would entail, I sensed the enormity of it. I was terrified.
We had been together for 10 years (married 5) and had had the luxury of free time, lots of travel and flexibility in terms of what country we wanted to live in, what we wanted to do, and I knew it would be a much different story once we were parents. I also knew it would change my relationship with my husband. Well, I was right. It is such a diffferent life. I know am no longer as willing to pack a suit case to just take off to Italy or California, I dread long plane rides with my energetic toddler without my husband, and I remember so fondly hours of reading in silence on planes and sleeping in whenever I wanted on non-work days. I remember when my husband and I used to just cuddle for hours on a Sunday, have breafast in bed, and sometimes never get out of our PJs. Yes, I do miss that. Would I change it? Not a chance. Being with our son is pure joy and bliss. He makes our world sunny almost every day and seeing him laugh and smile and take joy in each day makes me want to be make the world a better place for him. It changed me profoundly and I am greatful for all of its glory, rewards and challenges. Parenthood is by far the hardest, most challenging undertaking I will ever do, (and it is for life!) and I am determined to do it as best as I can. I could not have picked a better partner and dad for my child and that is so important. It is a huge adjustment. Enjoy sleeping in while you can, keep your eyes open, hold hands, and just got for it. You'll look back, but you won't want to go back. Enjoy.

Lets see, 5 children later, 23 years of marriage, a son kicked out of school due to drugs, car accidents, graduations, birthday parties, endless sporting events, waiting up forever, worrying about your newly turned 21 year old to come home, colic, raisins up their noses, fevers, flu, broken ankles, torn ligaments, broken hearts.... wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. God never gives you more than you can handle, sometimes you have to take a different approach. Nothing comes close to having a child, all the money, moving up in a company, nothing can fill your heart like a child. Trust me, there will be a million times your heart breaks also from having children, but the emptiness from not would be a lot worst.

i have always been adamant about not being ready to have children. it was a running joke that my husband (of one and a half years) was born ready to be a dad. no. not for me, not yet anyway.

the best thing to happen was the birth of nephew. he is the most beautiful child i have ever met... biased, maybe. i watch him everyday while my sister works.

bit by bit, he has eroded my need of having a super clean and orderly house, the desire to have dinner on the table by 6, and to live by my planner and lists... replacing them with playtime, rewards of smile, giggles, and kisses... with everyday that passes i get closer to desiring a child of my own...

there is no such thing as ready. i found myself looking at baby books, digging in the toy big for that perfect toy, thinking about names for children i have yet to have... it just happens.

and it will happen in due time.

You are never really 100% ready. Every day is a new learning experience. Trial and error. And my daugters 3 and 7 help to teach me what I need to know and remind me that the most important part of being a parent is loving them "no matter what."

There's no right time to have children. I wrestled with whether or not we were financially ready for long time and my husband was ready long before I was. One morning it just hit me and now I have to angels to love on. It's the most rewarding job I've ever had, but it's not all fun and games. There are lots of sleepless nights, messes to clean, ocassionally eatting cold meals, booboos to kiss, potty training and much more. Don't rush into it. Parents and other family members will sometimes push for grandchildren, but you have to remember that this is going to ultimately be your responsibility and even though they will offer to help, they aren't going to be there 24/7.

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thank you.

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Making the decision to have a child is a great thing for many people. However, know that making the decision not to can offer its own greatness as well.

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ecobban@excite.com

I could totally relate to your struggle with the decision to have kids. I actually made "pros & cons" lists and discussed it at length with my friends for two years before making up my mind. My advice is to enjoy being newlyweds before you jump into parenthood. My husband and I were a bit unusual in that we waited ten years after being married to have a baby. For us it was the best decision. We got our educations and careers going then managed a month-long trip to Europe before settling down. That way we have no regrets and are never tempted to feel that "If we hadn't had a baby so soon, we could've. . . ." We love our daughter Amanda (19 months old) to death, but you have no idea how different and stressful having children will be until you're "on" 24/7. I am glad that my husband and I had so much time invested in each other that we can provide such a strong foundation for our daughter.

I don't like kids. Control freak artists don't have kids - they live in Paris and smoke cigarettes all day and stay up late. We live in a small 1 BR apartment. We have no retirement or assets. I work full time. We're Gothic and Goths do not have kids. Pregnancy grossed me out entirely.

Guess what?
Being pregnant was gross but it did have it's moments. I love my daughter entierly. We purged and organized and our 1BR actually is working out ok. We found a great daycare and our little girl is flourishing. And after putting 100% into her for two years I do actually write and work on music regularily now.

Brooklyn is a great neighborhood to have kids. We're in Cobble Hill but Park Slope is amazing for kids. Both have great public schools and this area is full of parents who are full-on involved with their kids. Would you believe I just read in the NYTimes that there is a budding kiddie rock music movement? All the parents I've met are really into being parents while not losing themselves. It's been a great community.

You can always buy property or get an education or travel but you can't always have a child. If your husband is supportive, because that will help, go for it. He's right. everything will be ok.

I just had a baby 2 nonths ago. I joke with people that you should get another nine months to adjust to this new little person without him growing and changing so quickly. Alas, that is not the case, but it is so worth it. Even though there aren't training wheels, Ali's husband Max is right on. And concerning being an awesome mom . . .
I asked my friend Kristen, another new mom, how she liked being a mom. She said, I don't know how to answer that except to say, I really like being Cooper's mom.
I share this to say I bet you'll be the same kind of awesome mom to YOUR child(ren) that you consider your mom to have been to you.

It continually amazes me how we are handed the challenges that we can handle, even if we don't think we are ready for them at the time. When I was pregnant, I remember looking at my friend's two-year old and being very grateful that I was giving birth to a baby, not a toddler! I didn't know how I would ever have the energy to keep up with an active little boy.
Now that my son is almost two, I look back in awe at how far I have progressed as he has grown.
Was I ready for a baby? I have to shrug my shoulders. I don't think anyone is ever "ready" because it is a change so profound we cannot truly know ahead of time how it will affect us.
Am I ready now to be the mom to a toddler? I am certainly more ready than I was two years ago, but I am still rolling with the everyday changes that both delight and scare me (like his emerging independence).
My opinion? Just as there is no such thing as a "perfect mom" (no matter how hard we try), there is no such time as a "perfect time". It is a huge sacrifice, but there is no greater life-enriching reward.

Dear Claudia Walters (November's Meet a Reader),
Despite that years (... and years) have passed since the era of feminist revolution bringing women into the workplace, today's working women still lack many role models to guide them through life's major transitions. As women have done through the ages, we'll get through these issues with the help of other women. To hurry that process along though, a speaker at the Professional Womens Network, where I am a member, Dr. Robert Penny explained his process. Check his website to let him tell his own story, but I can endorse that he actually 'gets it.' Many ladies in my network attended his seminar and spoke highly of the results. Good luck in your own search. Here's his website: http://www.mynextchapter.org/next/index.cfm.

Sincerely,
Carolyn A. Nash, P.E.

The best lesson provided by parenthood is that no matter how ready you think you are, you're never really ready. Which is a good thing... Every day, new stuff is tossed into your unprepared world and you somehow find a way to manage things. As you do so, you grow right along side your children.

Ali: My husband and I were married six years before we had our son. I'm 31 now. We did get to know each other and spent quality time as a couple, but I almost wish we would have had Brock a few years earlier. He is THAT GREAT! I was the biggest scaredy cat whoever lived when it came to making the decision to have a baby, being pregnant, even thinking about delivering the baby, and worrying that I wouldn't know what to do once the baby ARRIVED and started needing me. Little did I know that this decision and all that it has entailed has been the best decision I have made in my whole life. There's not a word in existence to describe how much I love this child. Brock is now two and I already want one more. So, just remember --It ALL works out in the end. It's called having faith and knowing that YOU CAN DO THIS! Best of luck to you!

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