It will be 2 years this October since mymom passed away and it has been tough for my dad. He had been her care giver for 10 years of cancer. The final shock of watching mom die after so many close calls was too much for all of us. We never had discussed her final wishes and then we were forced to make arrangements for her burial service,
plot etc. Parents don't always want to discuss these details but they are so important. Mom suffered a stroke 1 month before she died and could not communicate her thoughts to us. My dads sole purpose had been to keep her alive and when it was suggested to bring in hospice it was a difficult one. I am so glad we had them to help oversee the process. I recommend them if at all possible. There is support for decisions about the patient as well as help for the family members. Make a point as a family member to be kept in the loop with the care issues. The last month I was there for most of it and daily would be at the care facility to talk to the Dr's, staff and hospice. Each stage was such a blessing for me to share the final moments. I will never regret the time I took from my family to be there for my mom and dad.

I hope this helps someone else . God Bless !

My aunt is 82 and has alzheimer's she has lived alone all her life so the family really wanted to stay as normal as they could. We have a women that stays with her but sometimes she tends to wonder I sent her a Door Stop Alarm. Helen puts this on the door at night so if she tries to open the door the alarm will sound so if Helen is sleeping she will be alerted as soon as she opens the door.
Helen sleeps better at nigh now
http://www.guardyourselfnow.com/alarm.htm
its the best 15.00 we have ever spent.

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I am trying to remember things that my dad said to me as he got older with my elder mom now. Don't say to mom, 'I told you that already'. Because dad would say "I knew you told me this already but tell me again". To try not remind mom that she is losing her ability to remember or her ability to see. Do what ever I can to make her happy as she ages.

We have two elderly that live in our household. Some days are better than others. In the begining it was an adjustment for everyone, now that we have a daily routine it is easier and at times they actually appreciate the work I do for them. We also have 4 children, 3 animals and try to run a business. Every so often I need a break and find it hard trying to fit in a hour to myself. It seems like a horrible game of tag that I am constantly being told "your it". One of those things its nobodys fault but it would be nice at times to get a breather.

im tired of my mom telling me to move away when shes on the phone shes cheating on my dad

My Dad is not that old just yet. My grandfather recently passed away and I miss him so much this time of year. His nickname was Poppy and with Rememberance Day here in Canada everytime I see a kid selling them in the mall I get teary eyed.

My father is ageing and rants a bit which at present is funny because I don't live with him. My mom is having health problems which is tough but nothing too serious as of yet.

TO KATHERINE WHO ANSWERED MY LETTER- thank you sooo much- I have done the last gesture I intend to do until I get a response from Mom- a week ago I sent pics and a lovely card stating how we are supposed to be " best friends" and that I miss her company as I age
myself. and 2 articles one on having friends helps later in life and one on a lady in a nursing home here in Fl. and how she's making the VERY BEST of it by being the "good will ambassador " so to speak of the home keeping people encouraged and working together towards active sociali ization among themselves as they are" all in this together" thru choices of their own strong wills ( like my Mom) I am not making myself sick over Mom as you got, instead it's out of my mind most of the time until a newspaper or TV show on aging parents comes around. Again thank you so much for responding . You are the only person who did. I really really appreciate you sharing your situation- how is your Mother doing now?

Christine
hyghbrd2003@yahoo.com
please E-Mail me if you likeI

This is in response to Christine whose mother is so stubborn. I don't mean to sound negative, but I know from personal experience that there isn't a good solution to your problem.

There are a few things that might help. You can try to get her to see a doctor to be evaluated as to why she is having problems with falling. Also, you can ask her doctor tol talk to her about the realities of her situation. Sometimes parents are more willing to listen to outside authority figures than their children. Also, you can see if there are any organizations in her area that provide services to the elderly. You'd probably feel better if you knew that someone was seeing her on a regular basis. The truth is, though, you can't force your mother to do anything. Also, while it's not easy to accept the risks that she's living with, it's important to recognize that her emotional well being is as important as her physical safety.

My only other suggestion is in regards to her driving. Even if you think she's a safe driver now, it would be prudent for you and your sister to monitor this whenever you visit. If the time comes when you don't think she's a safe driver, she probably won't agree and will fight you on the matter. You can check with the MA DMV and see what options you might have with them. In NM (where my mother lives), the DMV requires people over 75 to retake the driving test each year and will revoke a person's driver's license if a doctor sends a letter that this is necessary. This is the one area where I've refused to listen to my mother's arguments about her right to happiness and independence because she would be putting other people at risk. She gets lost because she has dementia and her driving judgment is poor. Also, she often has wine at lunch which makes the situation even worse.

My final piece of advice is that you and your sister need to take care of yourselves and not let this take over your lives. I learned this the hard way after letting my mother's situation affect every area of my life including my health. I first realized the extent of her problems after my stepfather's death in March, 2005. For the next 18 months I focused on this at the expense of other areas of my life. My husband kept telling me I needed to get some emotional distance because "this is a marathon, not a sprint, and you need to take care of yourself", but her situation was always on my mind. The summer of 2006 was a nightmare with constant crises. My siblings and I agreed that Mom had to move to assisted living (like you none of us live near Mom and she didn't want to move near one of us). Mom initially agreed but backed out at the last minute. Over the next few weeks friends and family convinced her again, but she tried to back out again and complained constantly while living there. After 6 weeks, the staff determined that her judgment was too impaired for her to continue in assisted living so we had to move her back home. While this a decision that my siblings and I agreed on, I became the focus of my mother's anger. The breaking point for me came at the end of August. I flew out there to help my sister move Mom back home. The day I flew out there, I could barely walk because I was so sick from an ulcer that had just been diagnosed. During this trip, I found out that Mom had said horribly cruel things about me to several of the staff and residents at the facility. I knew that her illness was a factor, but I was still very hurt. It took me several weeks, but I finally came to terms with it and realized that the pain this caused had helped me achieve the emotional distance I needed. Since that time, I've continued to be involved in her situation, but I don't obsess about it. The question I always ask myself when there's a problem is "have you done everything that you can?". If the answer is "yes", I accept that things aren't perfect and don't beat myself up about it. Now that I'm over the health issues that plagued me for about 6 months, I'm focusing on the good things in my life and doing more of the activities that bring me pleasure..

with aging your mom slows down, she gets very forgetful, and she repeats the same story over and over again." We" become very impatient, intolerent, and angry. Who is better off?? We need to ask for help when needed and admit to our falts, because then we can learn how to love as she loves us.

Does anyone have as stubborn an independent mother as I do? She lives in Ma, and my sister and I live in Fl. Mom is almost 82, my dad died 14 yrs. ago,and she lives alone in the home they built together, loves it there,
refuses to move to Fl. to be closer to my sister and I , in the event that she would nead caring for. The home is long paid for and she reverse mortgaged it without telling us until after the fact. She says she WANTS to stay there and not in a nursing home . I feel at a loss and a BIG CONCERN as to what to do in the event of an unexpected emergency. There are no relatives left up in Ma., and she's independent with no friends, an unlisted phone. She's not mean or anti-social, just likes her privacy, she always said. She occaisionally talks to a few old work friends on the phone, but only 2-3 times a year. My concern is that in the last 2 years she has fallen twice, once when my sister was viisiting, she missed a curbing, by losing her balance, not hurt, just a swelling for a few days. Last months she fell off a small step ladder trying to change a light bulb., luckily she didn't break anything.Att this point my sister sent her info. on the life alert system, Mom was "going to look into it" , but in recent phone conversations, she has said " she's not needing it- just won't climb up any more ladders" and had put the idea away. HELP, readers- my sister and I are beside ourselves as to what to do. We can't move to Ma. We have been in Fl for 23 and 33 years, and hold jobs here, have friends, etc. I just talked to my Mom last week and expressed alot of my views, as to what would happen if she fell and had no life alert, no one would know and she could just lay there and die. She seems to be in denial of this happening, She lives in a nice area surrounded by working younger couples who are gone from 6 AM to 6-8 PM , none of who we know or she is friends with- She drives, goes out every day to walk the Plymouth, Ma harbor area near her home, get groceries, etc. She loves her independence!! It is her daughters who are concerned. HELP- Any ideas out there?
She truely resists our concerns, and I am resigned to the fact that one day the phone will ring either with your Mom has been dead for 3 days, we found her, after the neighbors complained of an " odor"", or that she was put into a Nursing Home, or hospital . Neither my sister or myself have the financial resources to fly back and forth to look after her. We love her and are confused about her lack of concern that something could happen, we are miles apart, and her resistance to come here so we can care for her in a closer proximity , in a condo/apt., etc.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

Wits end,

hyghbrd2003@yahoo.com

We prepared a list of all info our children would need. It includes names of Atty, Acct, Insurance Broker, Stock Broker Names & Accts, Bank Accts, Where documents are: Deeds(home and cemetary plot), Will, Living Will etc, Power of Atty. Names of MDs, wishes regarding possessions etc. We gave a copy to our kids, but that is not necessary as long as they know where it is. We feel better!

My Dad is going to be 90. Last summer he was having dizzy spells. They were dealt with medically,We transferred him to Assisted Living from his apartment in the same senior center. I listened to the doctors and the therapists and they said that maybe he could not go back to independent living. Maybe it was too risky.He was so depressed. I told him"you are not a prisoner, you can chose where you want to live" With the help of the same professionals, he returned to his apartment and his cat. It seemed like everyone was waiting for my decision when really Dad is still the master of his own world. I felt like I helped him there, and he felt much better knowing he retained his personal power.He was also motivated to work on his mobility and a.d.l skills. I thank God for my Dad.

Grandchildren. They are the best remedy for whatever ails them.

Having read the article on "Parenting your parents", reminded me of what we have already gone through. My dad had a serious stroke 3 years ago, catching all of us off guard (including his doctors) as there where no warning signs. I found myself at 29, having to face real issues that we had talked about but never settled on anything decisively. We where in a position where we had to make these decisions and quickly or dad was headed to a nursing home. This wasn't an option I wasn't ready to take and my mother was a few years from retirement and couldn't manage my dad on her own. So talking things over with them and the hospital staff, I decided to leave my full time job, move home and take care of my dad while my mother continued working. It was not an easy decision, but these are my parents and I wanted to do whatever would give my dad the best chance for recovery.
We are now 3 and half years past that nightmare day of his stroke and though it hasn't been smooth sailing, I wouldn't change my decision it I could do it all again. I never thought of it as handling my parents, more as helping them to fill in some of the rough patches. We never made it a secrete to talk about the fact that they are getting older, in fact at times we would joke about it. The one aspect of this that no one can prepare for is having to make decisions for your parent that he or she cannot make for him or herself. My dad was a business owner and helper to all and now he is completely dependent on us to take care of his every need. Taking care of your parent is hard work and requires serious thought and dedication to a situation that may be long term.
I cannot encourage families enough to talk about what they would do if something happened to a parent. We are all getting older and will have different illnesses and one thing that will help is having talked about the options. Don't be afraid to talk to your parents. Children need to be aware of their parents finances, health insurance and what type of long term care it provides and have a plan for what you are prepared to do if mom or dad needs short term care at home. If you think something is wrong, ask them, show your concern for their health and let them know that you are there to help them. Talk to them about medications and have a list of current doctors that they see. Make sure that you have honestly evaluated your personal situation as well so that you have time to maintain sometime for yourself. It is a full-time job caring for the well-being of someone else, but the best people to care for loved ones are those who love them.