The turning point and defining moment during my first marriage that convinced me I had to leave my abusive husband was the day I killed fish. We had been arguing on the fateful day; I was home with our two small children, doing household chores, cleaning, washing, soaking the cloth diapers, etc. In a moment I will never understand, I carefully picked up the bottle of bleach and poured some into his prize fish tank. Just a little. But all the fish died. Very slowly. And while they started floating to the top of the tank I had a scary epiphany about who I was willing to become because of my husband: if my husband could make me feel so bad about myself and my life that I want to kill innocent, harmless fish, what would be next? What was I capable of? I "defined" myself before my abusive husband could "define" me any more - I packed up the children and left our home immediately. I never went back, I never looked back, and I have never killed any more fish!

My defining moment came three years ago when I received a call from an investigator looking into my father's reapplication for the Bar. He had lost his license to practice law ten years ago for molesting some teenagrs. He had avoided further investigation into the sexual abuse of his stepchildren with a plea bargain.
Ten years before this, my sisters had charged him with sexual abuse, but it had been thrown out due to the statute of limitations.
In his application for the Bar, he had to explain any history of charges against him. He had explained away the plea bargain as best he could and lied saying my sisters' claims were the delusions of our mother.
The investigator found his information to be shifty, so she called family members to check on his accuracy. It was as if a light went on in my head. I knew then that I had the power to keep my father from abusing his position of authority as a lawyer, as he had done before. I confirmed to her the abuse in the family and any other information I could give her.
I later received a lot of hostility from many family members who felt sorry for my father and thought I was out to get him. Many didn't help out the investigator because they they were embarrassed, were in denial, or just didn't want to deal with it. I cut ties with some family members, especially my father and stepmother. It could have been a terrible experience, but I knew I was made of sterner stuff if I had the integrity to follow through on my beliefs. I was carried by the assurance that I had protected the innocent against further or potential abuse. I knew it was one of the things I was put here on earth to do.

My lifelong dream was to graduate from college. My Dad mortgaged his house to send me to the University of Washington in 1961 right out of high school. I married after a year and had 3 children. Raising children became my temporary goal but in the back of my mind, I knew that I had to keep learning as long as there was stuff I didn't know. I eventually returned to college and a little at a time continued to take classes.
My husband was my best cheerleader and when he died 5 years ago my world and my ambition crumbled.
Time was a healer and I went back to college and in May, 2008, at 64years old, I graduated in Sociology from Washington State University. Beside me that day were my 7 grandchildren. I wanted them to know that persistence is the key to life and eventually you can accomplish a goal with enough patience and dedication. It was one of my proudest moments. Henri Graves Richland, WA

My defining moment was when I had become miserable on this job that I had been employed with for over 14 years. I was so use to the level of finance that I had acquired while employed there until I actually felt like I could not move on. I made the decision while I was on vacation for a week to go back and put in my two weeks' resignation. This was the best thing that I could have ever done for myself. I have never regretted leaving, only regretted that I stayed there so long.

My life is filled with defining moments. Giving birth to my children, in and of itself, was something i never believed i'd have the courage to do, but i did. Now I've gone on to be a parent. Every day is a defining moment with children growing in your life:)

My most important defining moment, though, has been one that has been mine and mine alone. I have suffered from "depression" all my life. I've been treated with medication, hospitalization and even electroconvulsive shock therapy. Nothing has ever worked for long to take away that "depression" that's plagued me.

My life has always felt like the whole world was telling a joke and not only did i not understand why it was funny, I didn't even understand which part was the punch line...It seems i never understand how to be "normal". I put on a mask and go to work in my practice as an attorney. I put on another to be a mother, daughter, sister. I don't allow myself to have friends because I feel that all I do is lie.

If you thought every day about what a horrible person you were; that you didn't deserve the air you were breathing or the space you occupied. If you were convinced that you had done something terrible and that if you could just say you were sorry in the right way, it could all stop. If you only slept a few hours a week. If, when things were very bad, you couldn't even remember that you had to shower and dress. If, if, if. If your whole life was a lie that had to be hidden, would you let yourself have friends? Trust me when I tell you: you wouldn't think you deserved them.

When things got bad again this January, 2008, I knew that i had to do something to help myself or die. I went to a new psychiatrist who looked at all of the papers I'd filled out and the tests I'd taken and said "how do you practice law and act as a single mother when you suffer so deeply from bipolar disease?"

I wanted to tell him he was wrong. I don't want to take medication forever. I don't want a disease that feels like herpes of the mind. It just gets worse and never goes away. But i didn't, because i knew he was right.

My defining moment was accepting that diagnosis and deciding that I was going to live. As I started taking the right medications, which work but have horrific side effects, and as I started doing research and joined a support group, it was as if i was allowed, for the first time, to drop the suit case I'd been carrying. Other people are like me and I just couldn't believe it.

For the first time, instead of fighting who I am, I've decided to love myself. The medicine helps to make it so that I have the filter most of the rest of you have. Instead of thinking about 20 things at once and being wholly unable to categorize or process all the thoughts; instead of being compelled to do 6 projects at once all night long; instead of being plagued by uninvited thoughts that killing myself would be best for everyone-instead of all this, I can see a little more clearly and there are times when I can be more than bipolar.

I've accepted that I do dishes differently from other people, but that's ok because they still get done. I've accepted that I may contract tardive diskenesia from the medicines I have to take. I've accepted that doctors can help me, but the most important thing that can be done is for me to love myself for who I am. Not in spite of being bipolar, but with that, too.

It has made me more creative, compassionate and spontaneous. It has almost killed me, but it has also given me the will to live in a way that other people could never understand. If I can stop saying what a horrible mother I am, it can also allow me to be the loving, smart parent that I am. There are times, now, when I don't even think that everyone is staring at me and thinking what an awful person I am or thinking that I am too worthless to speak to.

Accepting me for who I am and deciding to love myself has been the most awesome proof to me that I have the courage and strength to live. The moment i accepted that diagnosis his now and always will be defining me and my choice to live, rather than to succumb to the thoughts that the world would be so much better off without me.

Peace be with anyone who reads this.

My defining moment was when I purchased my very own home. I'm pretty proud of that. I was scared and afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it on my own, but I did, and for a woman, it was the smartest and wisest financial decision I have ever made. I lost my first home because of a divorce, not to mention years of invested money thrown out the window. I promised myself I would never let that happen again. No one can take my home from me now - it's all mine!!!

I grew up in a small town north of Seattle, everyone knew everyone else. My mother and father were divorced when I was 10 which forced my mother on welfare with 6 kids. Yes, life was tough, but we all learned many survival techniques. Our neighbors had all of us kids pegged as juvenile delinguents and that we would not amount to anything. All 6 of us today, 35 years later are all productive citizens. None of us turned out to be drug addicts or lived on welfare ever again. We own homes and have kids that attend college. Life is great!

My defining moment is actually still unfolding.

My family was displacedfrom our apartment in Jan 2006. After living with my sister-in-law for 1 1/2 years, and searching for a house in the last 6 months of that tenure, I bought a home. BUT...two weeks before settlement, it was discovered that my partner of 25 yrs had ransacked my savings account from which the cclosing cost would come. Also, he ransacked our oldest son's account. In a mad scramble, the mortgage broker was able to put the closing costs into the mortgage, and settlement proceeded.

Since then, I have handled everything on my own--establishing utilities, moving companies, plumbers, etc. Dealt with the unpointable anger and hostility of my sons, and my ongoing fear and depression. It still unfolds, and I feel stronger everyday. It's my hope that these feelings will pass, tha I will become more comfortable in my skin, and be successful in all endeavors, including finding a new companion for my "old age"--perhaps a lovely calico :).

Great stories. LOVE reading about how people change their lives for the better!

When I was 21 I moved clear across the country, to a state that I had never visited in my life, with no job, no family, and very little money. I promised myself that I would stay there for one year, and give it my best, and if I was unhappy there, I would move back home. I am still here, in that new city 21 years later. Knowing that I could make such a drastic change...alone, has given me the courage to face any setbacks that have come my way.

In the 44 years I've been in the workforce, I've been through three corporate layoffs. Each time I took a piece of my former position and parlayed it into a full-time job. For instance, when I was laid off from a PR job I became a Meeting/Event Planner because that was part of my job in PR.

I also was laid up for two years after being hit by a drunk driver. I had been working full-time and going to college in the evening. After I recuperated I didn't want to stretch out getting my degree via evening classes, so I took a real leap of faith and registered for full-time, day classes. The first day of class I didn't yet have a job to support myself. After one week a fellow classmate said, "With your experience the Business School would love to have you as a Student Assistant."

And, I took care of my Mother during her final illness. When her Doctor asked how I was going to do it, I replied, "I am my Mother's daughter," meaning I have her strength and determination -- a blessing!

All of these experiences have given me confidence that with faith -- in God, in my friends/family and myself -- I can handle the next challenge.

As a shy kid, starting a new school after my family moved was terrible for me. But the first morning of the new school year, I mustered all of my courage and walked in the front doors of the school to face hundreds of new faces. Although it was a long time ago now, I still use that moment to remind myself that if I could face a school of strangers as a shy 12-year-old, I can do anything.

One of my most memorable defining moments was when I got into a kayak. Being terrified of water, it was a personal triumph. I joined a Club and the first year paddled 530 miles which earned me a "Top Blade" award for paddling the most miles that year. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. Every mile was a personal accomplishment and gave me the courage to paddle one more mile! I never knew I could do something like that.

I have an odd "Defining Moments" problem. My childhood and teen years were filled to the brim with great achievements and moments of courage. Most of them were academic, and some were personal. I considered myself a winner and unstoppable. After I left work and was married and had children, I could feel my confidence leaving me. I have become quite meek and frightened. I could not replicate the amazing success of my youth in the "mommy and wife" field, even though I adore my family. I thank Gail Blanke for this exercise because it's a great boost...but what do you do when you feel stalled?

Thank you Gail for encouraging me to think hard about my defining moments. After a lifetime of living in anxiety, and 15 years of marriage to an alcoholic husband, I discovered Al-Anon. In 1980, after 4 meetings, I drove 4 hours to my 22nd year high school reunion, without telling my husband he was invited. I walked through the crowd, and decided to go home. The still, small, voice inside me told me to go outside and remember what I had learned in Al-Anon. I went back into the crowd and connected with a friend from first grade. After that weekend, I knew I could do anything. A month later, I went alone again 5 hours by car, ferry and bus to a John Denver concert. At 11 p.m. I realized I had forgotten to reserve a hotel room. I chose to enjoy the rest of the concert, and then deal with the room. There were no rooms to be had. It was a long weekend, and hundreds of people were walking at midnight, dragging their luggage. The cab driver took me to an all night coffee shop, with security, which was near the bus station, so I would be close by in the morning. I met some great people in the coffee shop. In 1990, after months of counselling, I chose to leave the marriage. I have not regretted it for a moment. In 2003 I reconnected with a friend of 45 years, and we were married in 2005. Amazing defining moments!

I was miserable at a job - used to go home in tears about how awful my boss was to us and how illegal her business was being run -- but I was making a lot of money and always used that as a justification. Finally one day I decided to try to make things better for everyone by calling the proper authorities. When my boss found out I'd done it she called me in front of the staff and attempted to humiliate me, even threw things at my face. I just turned around and walked out and never went back. I spent the rest of the day scared about how I'd pay bills, if I'd lose my home etc. Then I realized nothing is as important as quality of life. No one deserves to be treated like that by an employer, a spouse- by anyone. There is ALWAYS something better out there. I've used that as a marker by which I measure the "worth it" quality of a situation, because if I could walk out of a career/salary like that and land on my feet in a happier place I can certainly do it again. Six years later another terrible female superior made several threats to me to which I calmly responded "I've walked out on better jobs than this and I'll do it again" It was a tremendously powerful feeling knowing I was the one in familiar territory. I didn't spend that afternoon in tears, I spent it getting a pedicure and letting my lawyer negotiate a severance package that cost her her job.

The hardest defining moment of my life was when I told my alcoholic mother that I would no longer go to the liquor store for her anymore and buy her booze. If she wanted it, SHE was to go get it. I was shaking on my shoes when I told her this, but I meant it...and she knew it. My spine was made of steel.

I made this decision after a second episode of alcohol poisoning that required my mom's hospitalizations; my brother and I had to break into the house each time because we could not get a hold of her.

I was afraid my mom would no longer love me after I told her this and cast me out of her life.

When asked to describe my mom, I said she was a combination of Bette Davis, Shirley McClaine and Judge Judy. Whew.

My parents were both alcoholics, and my dad was a playa to boot. They divorced in the late 70's and my mom had to go back to work before it became chic.
My mom raised me alone, my dad would not help. My mom worked as a clerk in a drugstore and made minimum wage; we didn't have a car and she often walked to work. Things were tough financially, but the bills were always paid and we had food in the house. To help her cope, she drank. "Go make me drink," she'd say. "Empty the ice cube tray." I had no choice but to do what she told me, there was no one around to speak up for me. When I started driving, she would send me to the liquor store or make me take her. Because of the alcohol, I could not let her get too close to me. There were many things I wish we could've done together; she often embarrassed me in public.

I survived thru Adult Children of Alcoholic's meetings, therapy, reading books, and a supportive husband. I learned how to deal with her & keep myself safe. I have forgiven her and miss her very much, she has been dead nine years.

I loved her very much and would've done anything for her, but she preferred to be a martyr, and I'd had enough.

My mom got very angry and cold with me and still
tried on occasion to get me to go to the liquor store for her but I adamantly refused to go. She learned to go get it herself, and I'd learned how to stand up for myself and mean it.

One of my most defining moments happened 5 years ago. I had been dating someone for 5 years. He had not treated me well throughout the entire relationship. I was in my mid-20's then and had convinced myself that I needed to make the relationship work because I was "getting old" and needed to get married. I moved 150 miles away from my family and friends so that I could move in with him. After only a few months of living together, I discovered he had been cheating on me. He denied this and then tried to accuse me of cheating on him. I started to make arrangement to move in with an old college roommate at that time. He came home drunk one evening and started accusing me again of cheating on him and started throwing beer bottles against the walls. At that point, I decided to leave that relationship and never look back. He tried for several months to get me to go back with him. But, I had learned how I deserved better and would not accept anything but the best from there on out. A few months later, I started dating the man who is now my husband and best friend. Once I decided that I deserved to be treated well, I found someone who does just that!

As the result of a divorce I lost contact with my mother when I was 10 years old. I went to live in a double wide trailer with my father in a small town. My mother was European and very worldly but I was too young to understand all that this meant. I found myself believing that I would remain in this small town taking a menial job and finding a man to provide for my needs. When I was a junior in high school my mother found me and encouraged me to go to college, pursue my passions, paid for braces and told me how beautiful I was. My entire outlook on life and it's many possibilities changed with her influence in my life. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without this defining moment. It encourages me every day to look at all the possibilitiesand solutions not just the ones that are obvious.

After being married for 26 years with 6 children all I dreamed of was settleing at home with my art and hobbies. My dreams were shattered when my husband left and I learned I had kidney cancer and after loosing a kidney I was given a grim prognosis. That was 20 years ago. I am indead a survivor. 2 years ago I started traveling, wanting to do things I had never done before. My first trip was to Alaska. When I went to visit my son in Australia I went on an adventure holliday. With a sudden impulse I went skydiving over the Great Bearior Reif and on to a level 5 White Water rafting, Sea Kayaking, Scuba diving and HeliHikeing on a glacier in NZ. suprising myselfe and everyone who knew me. Not ready to settle down I flew to Seattle from my home in PA and drove 2,000. miles in a rental car down Origon's coast, across Montana to visit another son, up to Glacier Park. I've since been to Africa and am planning to go again in Oct. If I hadn't almost died I would have missed an amazing chapter in my life.

When I read this article, I started thinking about my own defining moments, and I realized that often when I am faced with a situation that could be a defining moment for me, I back down. I don't act at all or I rely on someone else to make the decision. Instead of being defined by my actions, I am being defined by my lack of confidence, and this isn't who I am. I want to thank Gail for writing this piece because it has inspired me to have (and recognize) more defining moments. I hope that this time in my life will be one of them.

Although I am only 23 and undoubtedly have many defining moments ahead of me (especially newly married), I remember one of the most defining moments in high school. I cannot remember the exact day or week but somewhere in the year I was having great trouble (new high school, new neighborhood, new family member) I also was dealing with depression. I struggled alone for quite some time before I started to struggle publicly. But one day I woke up, after trying cutting and suicide, then hospitalization/ therapy and medications, and I decided I was just tired of being so sad all the time. Granted it is something I still deal with daily, I remember that feeling when I get really low, and I remember I have a lot to live for and there is too much happiness in the world to live it being so down all the time.

I really liked Gail's Defiining Moments article. As a mom of two who works full time, travels overseas for my job ,and is very involved in her kids' activities, I didn't think I had time to have defining moments;nor list them. But, as I look back on my life, I realize there have been quite a few. I'm astoundedby the list I came up with one morning -- before the kids woke up.
The biggest one for me, was five years ago, I decided I had a drinking problem. It simply snuck up on me and I went from being ain infrequent social drinker to a more serious, secretive one. It was scary and unusual -- no one in my family is an alooholic and I was never around real drinkers. But, the defining moment was making the first phone call for help and attending my first AA meeting. For me, this has been the solution. A defining moment and ultimately, a second chance at life.

Of the many "defining moments" in my life, none was as forceful or as necessary as what I went through in the last holiday season.

On the Sunday after Thanksgiving 2006, my husband of 9 years died of a very sudden heart attack. The next day, between the funeral home arrangements and the cemetery, my doctor confirmed that I had breast cancer, and told me I needed a mastectomy as soon as possible.

Bummer. Two REALLY BAD days in a row. I realized immediately that if I fell apart over one crisis, I would fall apart over the other. And if I fell apart over both, I'd have a REALLY HARD time getting my life back to anything resembling normal.

I have a great support system - friends, family, a great job/coworkers and boss, etc. But I knew that the choice was mine - I could lose all this and be miserable, or I could lose it all and be OK. I dug in, chose OK, gritted my teeth, and got on with getting through. Now, several months later, I'm still dealing with material and health issues (settling estate matters, cleaning out his many collections, etc) but I'm in remission, have a positive attitude, and am at peace. From here on out, it would take an awful lot to shake my roots.