It's so easy to get caught up in the IADE moments. But even if you're the one that notices all the things that go into making your family and household run (as is the case for every mom/ wife I know) - it doesn't mean you have to do them all. After baby was born, my awesome husband & I came to an agreement - I can't get upset about doing everything on my own if 'the list' only lives in my head or in my daytimer. Share your list on a public space - aka the family calendar or fridge door - and split up the 'to dos' based on what you're good at (he makes service requests with the plumber, internet guy, etc.; I investigate daycares). And if the delegated list doesn't get done, then we each have permission to nag! You can do it - share your lists freely and see what happens!

You are not alone! I am only glad that others have the same issue -- I thought it was just me.

For some reason, husbands, or at least mine (of almost 6 years) must be asked. Even if it is something that is normal and routine for him to do, like dishes, he wants to be asked. The reason for this is beyond me. It needs being done, you see that it needs being done, you ask me why it isn't done, but you won't do it yourself? Oh,well.

I swore I'd never make a "honey-do" list, but now I see why those are needed...I look around at the house and see chores and things undone, while he just sees "home" hopefully, or at the worst, a messy home. Somehow the male brain does not translate that into "I need to take action." Maybe it's on our extra X chromosome?

I am very lucky. The daily tasks for my husband and me are pretty well split. I cook, and he cleans up; I wash, dry, and fold the laundry, and he puts it all away; I make all the vet appts and take the our very old dog to the vet, and he walks, feeds, and medicates the dog; I'm the primary caregiver for our son, but my husband is very involved when he is home in the evenings and weekends. Errands and non-routine to-do items fall heavier on me, but I'm mostly okay with that. I think we women have caused a lot of the imbalance by criticizing our guys when they don't do things the way we would have.

OMG! The "LIST" question has been the topic of many a "girls day/afternoon/night" rant. Though we all love our own man dearly, it seems there is a significant percentage of them that are not equipped with an internal list facility. Mine in particular is guilty. And as though it is no big deal, he goes through life oblivious of the little things that keep our household running smoothly. Then when I do give up a little control or require his assistance ... what does he say ... "Can you make me a List." Unbelievable!!!

Wow! I am also so relieved this is such a widespread trend. I sometimes wonder if it's learned helplessness, but then I visit my boyfriend's uncoupled friends and I truly believe they don't notice or care about the mess and unfinished chores at their apartment... they really don't have to do lists of their own! I don't consider that an excuse for the male gender (and I hate to make generalizations) but I like to think at least my being the master delegator keeps things a little closer to my living standard.

Allison, are we married to the same man?!

As for why aren't these to-do items already in his head, it's because they're in our heads and they see no need to duplicate that, so they're free to fill up that space with sports trivia, song lyrics, their workout schedule, and other things important only to them.

I ask my husband to do only one or two errands at a time and he's fine with that, especially if the errands are in the same general area. Anyone have any hints as to how to get him to put up curtain rods?

So, from one Ultimate widow to another... it is very normal. Mine says that he is willing to help, I just need to tell him what needs to be done. It is always frustrating that he doesn't just KNOW...like I do. And how he has a broken foot (from snowboarding) which has been in a cast for 6 weeks, with 6 more to go. So his 4 times a week Ulitmate habit is gone, cold turkey....happiest moments gone...and an excuse to not help with dishes.... Does anyone have a time machine so I can go back and take the snowboard away???

When I ask my husband, yada yada yada question about the home or family, what do you think? He says I don't know, I don't think about it. Then walks out of the room, like glad that conversation is over. It makes me want to throw something at the wall. I then say, well pretend you think about it, and tell me your opinion. He responses I can't pretend because I don't think about it. It is so annoy!

Anne, regarding the curtain rods, you say, "Here's the deal, my love. You could put up the curtain rod for me, and I would really appreciate that. Or I can put up the curtain rod myself, and if I wreck the wall and make a giant hole in it because I really don't know what I'm doing, and I end up having to hire someone to come and fix the hole and put up the curtain rod, then you aren't allowed to complain about it. Which would you prefer?"

I have a different solution to the curtain rods: I hire someone without asking him, just to save the household the negative energy surrounding any scenario involving my husband, a hammer, screwdriver and level. I realize this is a luxury, but I swear for me it is money well spent to not ruin a precious Saturday afternoon. And, love him as I do, I have to say I am also always the one who then has to put away the tools.

Once, I tried to remedy the IADE syndrome by refusing to do any of the tasks that concerns both husband and I - like leaving the clean laundry lying around "obviously" unfolded and many other "evident" chores around the house. BUT, they didn't bother him. Not that he doesn't care but it's it just that somehow, men's eyes (and mind) are designed in ways where household chores would elude them. We women have to point them out to them before they notice them. Very interesting...

Well, I don't want anyone to think I'm married to a Saint...because, believe me, he does have his faults. BUT, and the key word is BUT...my Sweet Husband is very good at lists, but that is generally HIS list, not the "family" list. The problem that always comes back to bite me in the butt is when I fail to communicate what is on MY list that I want him to just do without him knowing. (So my communication skills are less to be desired...I know, I know.
In our relationship, my husband is actually the better communicator???!! I know, I hate that, don't tell him I actually admitted it!) Just yesterday we had a rather lengthy discussion about how he can't help me with something he doesn't know about! Yikes, maybe he's really a woman and I'm really the man! Anyway, I think it all comes back to communication...or in my case, lack there of on my part :( I will say an extra prayer for your Eldest and his oral surgery tomorrow (and Danny--God rest his little hamster soul). If you have any questions about oral stuff...that's all we talk about around here! Gosh, that didn't sound very nice after I typed it...I mean, my husband is an orthodontist and knows a lot about teeth! LOL! Good luck!

My husband is the same about needing a list or being told to do something, but that's not my biggest issue. The thing that drives me crazy is that on the rare occassion that he does something without being asked, he makes sure to point it out and ask for praise and thanks. The conversation typically goes like this "Honey, I took out the trash without being asked!" "That's great dear, thank you for being so helpful." I understand the need for positive reinforcement, so I play along, but I don't spend my day saying things like "Honey, I changed the toilet paper roll!" or "Honey, I bought milk on the way home from work today!" Those are just things I do to get through the day, not because I'm trying to impress my husband. I love him dearly, but I don't understand.

My sympathies to all of you! I'm very lucky, it's probably my husband that suffers. My husband retired early, so he's free all day and I've gone back to grad school (long story), so right now I'm taking a full load of classes, working part-time, and I'm about to start an internship, so that'll make two part-time jobs. I have to say, I couldn't do half of what I'm doing without his help. He's the manliest man you could imagine, but he does all the shopping, vacuuming, laundry, dishes, basically all I do is plan the meals, give him the grocery lists, and cook dinner, but he helps me make dinner as well. He even brings me lunch every day at work. I feel enormously guilty, believe me, but it's just what makes sense, I'm soooo busy and he's not and anytime I try to apologize he just laughs and says he's having fun and he does a lot less work than me, it's just his is concentrated around the home. I'm so lucky, even if I do feel guilty.

I think it's very normal. I have my daily to-do list (chore list?) printed out and VISIBLE TO ALL in my kitchen, but still I have to ask him to do things that I am just not going to get to on that list. :) I don't know if he'd be so kind as to take over things on my random to-do list as well.......
I love that there's a name for this though. I might just have to put that on a post-it and stick it somewhere. I definitely feel that way often! :)

It's is normal but we shouldn't let it be. I have a friend who once went "on strike". She did no laundry, cooking or anything else for a week. She just went to work. Wait, this sounds like someone we know.
Anyway, it brought the house to it's knees, literally. I always wanted to have the guts to do that. Instead, I give out jobs. They don't always get done the way I'd like but they do get done!

Chris and Lori in MN-- y'all make me laugh.

Try calendar.google.com You can share your calendars, and send automated reminders to everyone who's sharing the calendar! ie. in 2 days, party at Erin's-- need to buy wine!-- now my DH can at least look ahead to see, "Oh, Megs has a rotten day coming up-- perhaps I shouldn't ask if she was planning on doing x y and z for me that day." It's been a perfect, passive way of getting messages across.

I always tell my husband that nothing would turn me on more than coming home to a clean house with the dishes done and laundry clean/folded/put away.( Oh yeah, and those things would be done by someone other than me.) Hasn't caught on yet, but I keep hoping he'll try it out sometime and see what happens!

Susan at http://www.WorkingMomsAgainstGuilt.com

I have something to add to your IADE list:

18. Stop Complaining

As a newlywed I used to struggle with AIDE.. my husband worried about nothing, so I felt I needed to worry enough for both of us. As for the internal To Do list, my husband also knows no such thing. To be honest, his lack of worry and "blank slate" drove me absolutely mad in the beginning, as I felt was a slave to my list of worry and endless errands and to dos. What I realized over time is that his way is actually not such a bad way to be. I have noticed that most worry is wasted energy and many of our To Do's are really self-imposed and not that important in the grand scheme of things. As for those things that are important, I will in fact make my husband a List of To Dos, which he will execute with great efficiency and lack of angst surrounding each task. I'm sure to heap on the praise for the tasks completed, and this seems to stroke hubby's ego enough that he rarely complains when a new list appears.

Hmmm, I don't have a husband, so my To Do list is entirely my own. Go figure :)

It is very normal.

For example, these are the things my husband's head is filled with: our new iMac, the playstation, Ultimate (Kristin, we share this issue), our new iMac, whatever theology book he has to read for class, some stupid online war game, our new iMac, and how many days till the new episode of Lost comes on.

So when I have things that have to be done, I enlist his help - with a list in descending order of priority. And unlike when we were newlyweds, I don't feel the least bit guilty about it.

The choir is singing behind you. Amen sister. The daily tasks are pretty well divided, but the non-standard stuff (bigger cleaning, household maintenance, finances, dr appts, etc) - he just doesn't seem to see or get. I have to write out "my" lists and have my dear husband pick things from it. I haven't figured out why he doesn't seem to have a list on his mind either. Maybe it's a maternal instinct to care for our family that drives us. Maybe they are too busy thinking about the hunting (for sports clips on TV) and gathering (of fun times with the kids). Not only do I at times get overwhelmed with the "to-do" list - but I also get resentful of my getting "not to do" fun things. Putting things to a list and making it clear there's more than one person can do helps - he pitches in and reprioritizes. I LOVE crossing the items off. Almost better than a piece of chocolate. Now if anyone has the secret to getting their man to take some ownership without having to be the task master... would LOVE that advice!

And to Happy Wife who posted on March 4th... don't feel guilty. You are contributing to your family in a different way. Nothing wrong with that. And there's nothing wrong with a man rolling up his sleeves and doing some household chores.

These posts are great, they make me laugh and they bring back memories (some verrry frustrating). I think the bottom line for all of us is that we keep lists for things that matter to us. I am lucky, because my partner cares about eating and thus he shops, and cooks, and cleans up the kitchen. But he doesn't care if unidentified plant life grows in the bathroom. He cares very much that the animals are well treated, and so they are fed, and watered, and the litter box is clean, and the vet is on speed dial. The tumbleweeds of cat hair blowing down the hall, well, that's my care. And so, we each have our lists and it all gets done. The list we write down and split is the list of chores that no one much cares about but we all know are necessary. and so it goes . . . my ex would have no list, not his, not mine, no way, not happenin'!!! Life now is a great improvement!